Only in Florida: Me So Horney

June 10, 2016
JACK-BLACKBUSH

What's in a Name?

In my column Only in Florida, I'll be taking you down to the Sunshine State for the latest and greatest sex stories that can only be found in the craziest state in the union.

Working to make a community a better place can be a tiring and often thankless job. But sometimes all your hard work can be rewarded and one such way is to have something named after you. That way, your legacy can live on. There are times when not everyone is on board with you having something named after you, especially if your last name is Horney.

Florida resident Bill Zimmerman is tired of people laughing at his home, which is on Lake Horney. Zimmerman is petitioning the U.S. Board of Geographic Names to rename Lake Horney:

Zimmerman told the board he does not want to “denigrate Mr. Horney’s contributions to the history of Lakeland” but wants the name changed because it is a “homonymic to a vulgar term meaning concupiscent or libidinous.”

Now it should be noted that Lake Horney is named such because upon seeing the lake you are filled with such desire that you can't help but be turned on. No, it is named for Julius Teague Horney, one of the people who helped develop Lakeland, Florida.

But Zimmerman doesn’t care about that. He would like the lake to named Alfred Lodwick, a World War II pilot who created a military pilot training program in Lakeland. Come on, you think Lodwick is better? You don’t think anyone can make vulgar names out of that name? Off the top of my head: Lo-dick, dick-wick, load-dick, and spoodge lake.

Though, many Lakeland residents are against the name change including one resident who wrote a passionate op-ed piece about Lake Horney:

“This is of course very stupid and should not be condoned. What does this say to all the people out there who have to go through life with unintentionally hilarious names? What of all the Mr. and Mrs. Coxes, Dixes, Cummings, Cockburns, and Gaylords? Do we say to the residents of Florida with snicker-worthy last names that no matter how hard they work and how much they contribute to the community that they can never dream of having a street or park or lake named after them all because teenagers have ill-developed senses of humor?”

You know, I find it odd that someone in Florida with the last name Zimmerman really wants to change something with a last name he finds offense. If I had the last Zimmerman in Florida (or anywhere else really) I would change it immediately so as not to be confused or thought to be related to that douche canoe George Zimmerman.

Come on, Bill, don’t be so hard up. You should stop being so stiff about this name. I’m worried you thrusted yourself into this situation and you’ll find yourself being pulled in and out of a political debate you didn’t really want to have. I don’t know if you are stroking your ego or just trying to ram your opinion down our throats, but maybe you should take a cold shower and enjoy the sunset on Lake Horney.