Here’s What You Should Buy Your Bae at Red Lobster When He Fucks You Good

Beyoncé broke the Internet this weekend when she dropped the music video for her latest single, "Formation," so I have no doubt you've already heard the Queen sing the epic line "When he fuck me good I take his ass to Red Lobster." I, for one, love both Red Lobster and positive reinforcement, so I'm all about this plan in the most literal of senses. That said, "fuck me good" is an ambiguous phrase. How good did he fuck you, and what should you buy him for dinner?

(Image via YouTube)

Fear not, Fleshlings—I have broken this down. Here you'll find a list of sexual feats along with the Red Lobster menu item they should probably coincide with: 

Foreplay lasts longer than five minutes: Cheddar Bay Biscuits

Awww yeah. 

Goes down on you: Seafood Tacos

Get it?

He holds your hair back while you blow him: Shrimp Nachos

Everyone loves nachos. 

Is not a jackhammer: Wood-Grilled Chicken

Fancy chicken for a fancy man. 

Just varies the pace in general: Salmon New Orleans

But it could be fancier. 

Finds your clit: Parmesan-Crusted Tilapia

Some things are delicate.

Finds your G-spot: Snow Crab Legs (with extra butter)

Now we're talkin'.

Finds your P-spot: Live Maine Lobster (straight from the tank)

A challenge not unlike catching live crustaceans. 

Picks you up Hercules style: Sirloin and Shrimp

Protein, man.

Makes you come more than once: Get that man some Surf n' Turf 

All stops: Enacted.  

I always like to include a bonus round, so how's this: If he makes you come four times, you spring for the Four-Course Seafood Feast. There's something to be said about "tit for tat." Now go forth and satiate yourselves.