How to Name Your Genitals

Womb Raider. The Splash Zone. Tiger Lily. Excalibur. All some of my favorite names for the Ps and Vs out there in the world. They stick out in a sea of Genital Name mediocrity, though—it's a hell of a lot harder to give your junk a name that you can be relatively proud of and wear like the badge of sexual honor it deserves. So how, exactly, should we come up with a name? 

There are directives out there, of course. 

There's this, too: 

But ultimately, I believe whatever you name your bits should be far more individual. Expressive, if you will. There are a few rules we should begin with: 

• You should never let your significant other name your genitals because they will name them something stupid like Mr. Wiggles or the Lube Tube. This is why it's so important to come up with one yourself. 
• Try not to give it a solitary first name, like Stephen, or name it after a professional athlete. I don't care if you think you're penis is Michael Jordan. It's not. 

Speaking of names, women rarely name their vaginas, which I'll never understand. Sex is g8 and important, and your hoohah is gr8 and important. Give that shit a name. 

You can name your genitals after a band. You can name them after a person. You can make the entire thing a pun and then force unwitting suitors to fall in your little word game (they'll never know why you keep asking if they want to smoke your Cigar until it's far too late). You can even name your genitalia after a Pokemon—Squirtle would be appropriate for a penis or a vagina. You're welcome.

I know selecting a name for your junk is akin to naming your firstborn child, though, so I've handcrafted this thorough list of tips and tricks when you're trying to formulate one you can smile upon. Here it is: 

Examine the terrain

Before you can truly pick out an adequate name, you need to know the area pretty damn well. If you're a dude, it's likely you've already spent many years examining your genitalia with every tool possible, microscope and ruler included. If you're a woman, you've probably not spent as much time gazing at your vag in the mirror, which I understand. Now is the time to do it. Annnnnnd go. 

Be honest with yourself 

Next up: You can not truly own your anatomy unless you embrace it fully. If certain things are really big or not so big, wide or not so wide, etc., it's best to own up to it and instead embrace your strengths. This will make you better in bed AND help you pick out a realistic and appropriate name. Excalibur may be huge, but it's not exactly agile. 

Consider your finesse

Which brings me to: Your finesse. While yes, there is always an appropriate time to go hard n' fast, finesse is sign of sexual maturity. And intuition. And self awareness. Anyways. Much like there's a difference between wrestling and ballet, there should be a difference in the name you select based on your own personal style. "The Hulk," for example, probably does not know how to make ~LuuuuRRRvvvV~. 

Consider a punch line

Sometimes the ingenuity isn't in the name itself, but in the punchline that follows. Take an example from Reddit, for instance: 

If your genitalia were a person, what would you want him or her to be like? 

Are you funny? Athletic? Smart? A massive, raging asshole? Feel free to craft your P or V an entire personality as well as a Myers-Briggs result. Draw a picture of your member in human form. Look him or her in the eyes. At this point in the process, a name will occasionally just come to you. 

Do you want it to be obvious?

Both "The Jackhammer" and "Jiminy Cricket" are moderately concerning. 

Do you want to have sex ever again?  

Then try your very, very hardest not to name it something that makes you sound like a douchebag. "The Destroyer," "Donkey Kong," and "The Beast" are all off limits. 

And if all else fails? There's my personal favorite:

The Final Step

And once you've selected your name of choice, there's on more thing to do: Write that name down. Put it in a box. And never, ever tell anyone of the opposite sex until they've already agreed to marry you.