Patented Sex Toys That Will Hopefully Never, Ever Get Made

Steve Jobs once said, "Let's go invent tomorrow instead of worrying about yesterday," but worrying about yesterday is what I'm good at. That's only part of the reason I'm not an inventor, along with all those outstanding warrants, but those intrepid men and women making constant advances in sex toy technology may want to pause for a look at yesterday. It was fucking terrifying. 

The good people over at Gizmodo (link below) went digging around in Google's patent database, and found some sex toy ideas patented in days gone by, many of which are pure nightmare fuel. 

Take this one, for example. No it's not a "Slutty Boo Berry" costume, but rather a product of late 80s safe sex hysteria. That's right it's the full body condom

According to the original patent...

The present invention concerns a device for protection against transmissible diseases consisting of an outside covering made of a flexible plastic material, preferably transparent, covering a part at least of the body and comprising means (9) for attaching a sheath (4). It also relates to a sheath for implementation on such protection device. Application for combating infectious diseases.

I'm not sure what kind of insane shit people would have to be into in order to need one of these, but I've seen some things since I started writing about porn. Things I can't unsee. So too have the inventors of the full body condom. 

Here's a fun one, it's the Rotating Sex Machine

I imagine that if Willy Wonka were a sex maniac rather than a chocolatier, this might be the kind of thing he'd cook up in order to have his way with the Oompa Loompas. What, pray tell, were they going for?

The horizontal support and bearing assembly are designed so that this axis of rotation is coaxial with the longitudinal axis of thesex organ of the female when she is supported on the horizontal support in the supine position. The heights of the horizontal support and base are adjustable. Thus the height of the female's sex organ can be adjusted for penetration by a male partner's sex organ when the male partner is standing at the correct end of the horizontal support.

You know what's awesome about sex? The spontaneity of it. The way it just kind of happens without any sort of planning. This device removes that element completely. Your dick would shrivel up like a stack of dimes just trying to get your lady friend strapped into this thing. 

And while we're on the subject of big bulky bullshit, here's the Water Massage Apparatus

How does this bad boy work? Allow this creaky early 20th Century rhetoric to explain...

This invention relates to improvements in an apparatus to be used for therapeutically treating or administering to the human body or organization or portions thereof a massage treatment, and while it is more especially designed for the use of women in the treatment of diseases peculiar to the female sex, yet it may be employed by men.

So if I'm reading that last bit correctly, this sly inventor wanted to lounge in a hot tub and get rammed with a dildo, but had to back door that into an invention designed to treat women for god only knows what. Well played, Henry Ullrich. 

Finally we arrive at my favorite of them all, the Thrusting Rod.

Steel yourself for this bit of nonsensical prose...

An artificial penis has a cylinder having a cylinder wall enclosing a hollow, a front wall with a first opening and a rear wall with a second opening. A piston rod is guided within the hollow. The piston rod has an initial position in which a first cylinder space is at a maximum and a second cylinder space is at a minimum and an extended position in which the first cylinder space is at a minimum and the second cylinder space at a maximum. A pump supplies a fluid under pressure to move the piston rod in an extending direction. An enclosure having an outer shape of a penis encloses the cylinder and the end of the piston rod. The enclosure has an initial position when the pump is released and an extended position when the pump is actuated.

In sad news, it took these guys ten years of paying maintenance fees before they finally gave up on this bunch of horse hockey. The patent lapsed in 2009.  

Via Gizmodo