Cook Bacon Nude & Never Burn Your Dick Again

December 16, 2014
TUCKER-BANKSHOT

The bacon craze is about five minutes away from strapping on a pair of water skis and jumping the shark. Seriously, go check your Facebook feed, and I guarantee you'll see at least three posts about bacon, unless your Jewish or Muslim. Now, there are even products being created to combat imaginary problems like burning your dick while you're cooking bacon in the nude.

J&D's (link below) is a company that specializes in bacon and bacon-related products, and while they've got a hell of a sales pitch here, it ignores one gigantic problem. If you're wearing something like this, you're no longer cooking bacon in the nude.

Cooking naked has been proven to increase one’s sense of smell and taste – which means that the ultimate breakfast meat can taste even BETTER. Cooking and eating bacon naked has been said to be the food equivalent of winning the lottery, scoring a touchdown in the Super Bowl and neck-punching Justin Bieber all at once. It’s a temptation that’s too hard to resist, despite the risks to one’s man- or womanhood.
A recent Gallop poll found that 87% of Americans were more concerned with how to safely cook Bacon while in the nude than climate change, twerking, North Korean cyber attacks, the proliferation of nuclear weapons and the economy – combined.
Introducing the most significant bacon-related technological breakthrough of our lifetime – J&D’s Naked Bacon Cooking Armor. It’s lightweight, sort of stylish and provides maximum bacon-cooking protection in the areas you need it most.
Whether you’re cooking bacon naked, eating bacon while engaged in a Brazilian jujitsu match, or breaking off a turbulent relationship over breakfast, Naked Bacon Cooking Armor is a must have accessory that will keep your valuables safe and make your bacon taste better.

Are you ready for the best part? It's sold out. Seriously. Gone. There are none to be had. Good luck having a Merry Christmas now... Unless you're Jewish or Muslim.

Via J&D's