Guy Walks into a Bar… Loud Sex On A Plane, And Other Strange Sex Stories

May 23, 2014
COLEEN-AND-DAN-SINGER

by Coleen Singer at Sssh.com

Guy Walks into a Bar... and tries to get it on with the ATM machine! No, seriously. It happened in Tennessee this week. The guy was apparently intoxicated. It’s not clear if he tried to use the machine for its intended purpose before trying to have sex with it. I mean, if the machine refused to put out money it probably was not gonna put out anything else, AM I RIGHT?

The guy was obviously out of his mind horny as well as drunk because once he left the bar he tried to have sex WITH A PICNIC TABLE. Conveniently located right outside the bar. I know, I just know what you’re thinking now, if I ever go to Murfreesboro (admit it, you’ve been wanting to check it out), I must at all costs avoid this place that has had some drunk guy’s junk all over it. Or at least, on the picnic table and the ATM.

It’s probably not a good idea to ask why drunk people do weird things; alcohol is one of those substances that is beneficial in small amounts (antioxidants! social lubrication! stress reducing!) but dangerous in large amounts, and somewhere in between, people start acting really messed up and do things they can and probably should get arrested for.

You may also be thinking: if someone is THAT drunk, how can they perform sexually? Well, as horny ole Will Shakespeare once said, “drink provoketh the desire, but it taketh away the performance.” In other words, just because you can’t get it up after getting hammered on a 24-pack of Bud Light, doesn’t mean you’re not gonna try to hammer on something.

So in the spirit of honoring ATM-Screwing Man and his alcohol fueled bout of machine lust, let’s look at some other drunken sexcapades…

This young woman was apprehended two weeks ago for having loud drunken sex in an airplane restroom; but that’s not all! HER PARENTS WERE ON THE FLIGHT! She got pretty obnoxious when the flight crew tried to remove her from the bathroom, apparently. Wonder if she posted any pics to Instagram before she got busted. ZOMG!

This woman on a Delta flight got so drunk she decided to start hitting on a fellow passenger. When the target of her drunken lust refused her advances, she got annoyed and disruptive. Ever been on a flight with a drunken passenger causing trouble? Yeah, the flight crew tends to shut that down very quickly.

A bunch of college kids in Philadelphia attending a big block party sponsored by ClearChannel (which now owns most college radio stations) got completely wasted, peed all over the place, and had sex in front of the local residents. The news report says one couple caught having public sex continued for another forty minutes after they were told to stop and were recorded on video. Wow!

So, you may be asking, what are the charges when drunk people get arrested for having sex in public? Well, there’s public lewdness, and gross lewdness, and public intoxication. Really it depends where you are, as state and municipal laws differ widely. But having sex in public is illegal in most places. Which you’d realize if you weren’t like, totally wasted!

About Coleen Singer Coleen Singer is a writer, photographer, film editor and all-around geeky gal at Sssh.com, where she often waxes eloquent about sex, porn, sex toys, censorship, the literary and pandering evils of Fifty Shades of Grey and other topics not likely to be found on the Pulitzer Prize shortlist. She is also the editor and curator of EroticScribes.com. When she is not doing all of the above, Singer is an amateur stock-car racer and enjoys modifying vintage 1970s cars for the racetrack. Oh, she also likes porn.