HEPS Fantastic: The Best Blowjob You’ll Ever Purchase*

In my experience, sex toys that try to recreate blowjobs fight an uphill battle. The human mouth is dynamic, it's a strange mix of hard rocks and soft wet pads, and people put a lot of personality into their sucking styles. Still, even though the HEPS Fantastic System can't blow kisses or lick balls, it's hands-down the best fellatio simulator I've ever had the fortune of using.

I haven't been this head-over-heels in love with a sex toy since I first tested the Tenga Flip Hole. It feels so nice to have my heart sing over a pile of silicone again! And I thought that I could only ever have feelings for Japanese toys, but it's not true: HEPS, which stands for Human Exciting Perfect Sense, is a Korean company.

Let's get talking about the Fantastic itself. This thing is about the size of your hand, from heel to fingertips, and contains a silicone mouth inside a hard, sleek plastic shell. When closed, the whole thing looks a bit like a jetpack, or some low sleek racecar, or perhaps one of those cool solid backpacks the youths like nowadays, but pop one end off and a pair of plump lips poke out. Is it a little freaky looking? Yes, yes it is. But march through fog of discomfort that envelops you and you'll be glad you did. Lube up, give it a couple squishes to distribute the goop throughout its gullet, and slip right on inside.

The Fantastic is actually a new version of HEPS's Kinsey System (which I'm glad I didn't have to test, otherwise I'd imagine getting dome from Kinsey [although I'm sure he'd be very skilled at oral sex]) that's been modified according to customer feedback, so the inside of the mouth contains an absurd assortment of ridges, bumps, swirls, and even a tongue that's been angled and aligned in such a way that it seems lively. Putting my cock in this thing just felt right. The lips part gently, the lube smooths entry, the tongue is there to welcome my dick, pull it in, apply extra pressure to the sensitive underside, and then I hit the back of the throat and the whole cone of warm wetness tightens ever so slightly around me.

Is it better than the best human blowjob? No. Is it better than a number of boring blowjobs I can recall from my past? Emphatic yes.

If you want to modify the experience, you have a number of options for doing so. The top and bottom of the plastic shell have hinged windows that allow you to squeeze different parts of the Fantastic, imitating the teeth, a firmer blowjob, or even a mild gag response (if that's the sort of thing you're into). There are also two dials at the back of the toy called Magic Holes that you can twist to change the suction and sounds that come from it, but I didn't detect much of a change when playing with them.

When you're done playing with the toy, cleaning is delightfully quick. You just remove the Magic Hole dials, run warm water through the mouth, and let it air dry. If you want a more thorough cleaning, the inner silicone sleeve comes out easily; it's attached to the shell by four strong magnets behind the lips, and they pop in and out with little effort. You can even pop the magnets out while using it and do some throatfucking!

I don't know if I've sufficiently communicated to you how much I love the HEPS Fantastic System, but the toy is so simple that I don't have any other facts with which to entice you. It's beyond elegant, easy to use, easy to clean, and is so unobtrusive that it'll play into any blowjob fantasy you have. And though it's small, it can accomodate dicks of any size--in fact, HEPS says that you can use this all over your body, as shown by this strange graphic I grabbed from their website.

On a separate note, the HEPS website is bananas. It's extremely informative, and they let you know that a percentage of their profits get donated to help people with disabilities and sex-crime victims, but it's pretty much the most bizarre sex toy company page I've ever seen. Feel how weird this is:

And then there are strange statements hanging around that say things like this:

She hates Oral Ejaculation(Semen tastes BAD)

While Kinsey Doesn't know the TASTE. Which makes you FREE to Do Anything

85% of Women feels disgust Having Oral Sex. And Now you Need Not study her face Anymore

You ALWAYS have Kinsey to meet you

God only knows where they got that statistic from. Or why there's a vaginal wall inside the throat here.

And did I mention that their company slogan is "HEPS Rival Is Human"? You get the idea: they have a funny website and you can browse it all you want. Frankly, we don't care if HEPS thinks semen tastes like motor oil or if they want to stick a vagina, an ass, and a petting zoo in the back of their toys. The point is that they make the leanest, meanest blowjob simulator in the world, and if you're going to treat yourself to a special new sex toy this holiday season, I hope it's this one.

· Buy HEPS Fantastic System (toydemon.com)
· HEPS (heps.jp)

* Unless you know a particularly good sex worker. Or unless the future brings us robots with fully functioning mouths and tongues.