Birthday Sex Under The Watchful Eye Of The Murderer

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Isn't that sweet? Your hottest female friend decided to take you out into the woods for a naked stroll--just your boots on your feet and nothing else--and then screw your brains out for your birthday present. We couldn't possibly think of a nicer gift! Maybe the killer hiding nearby thinks so, too. Maybe not. In fact, probably not.

Killers don't much care for birthdays or birthday presents, but they're definitely drawn to sex--they're like bloodhounds for that stuff. You could be having sex in a windowless bathroom in the middle of the desert, and some Michael Myers type would be revving up his dune buggy to go and cock block you. Actually, he'll try to life block you, but it'd be so much nicer if these nature-dwelling psychopaths only wanted to salt your game. We're going to pretend that's what happens to Michele Nordin here; she gets 100% turned off and that's it.

· "Red Velvet" (imdb.com)

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