Professional Wrestler Sex Tapes We Want To See

Remember when TMZ and a few other spots were talking about a Hulk Hogan sex tape back in April? Well, Gawker just obtained the footage--all thirty minutes of it--they posted a minute's worth, and we have to say: not that impressive. It's decent, you know, in the way that humans doing it is always fun to look at, and there are facets of the video that are downright sweet, but we expect more from a former professional wrestler. Professional wrestling is all about the show, you know? And we think the following performers would bring the same energy to sex tapes that they do to the ring.

We've said it before and we'll say it again: professional wrestling is a lot like porn. Adults come together, act out strange storylines, touch each other a whole bunch, get mad sweaty and expressive, and then viewers foolishly try to imitate them later. Someday, the two worlds will be one, but in order to get there, we're going to need the sex tapes of...

The Rock

Maybe we could've started with a more current wrestler, but guys like John Cena don't have the sass necessary to carry a sex tape by themselves. Plus, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson has been in a buttload of action movies lately, and we all know that Hollywood celebs have a thing for filming themselves in bed. He got married in 1997 (when he was twenty-five) and after fifteen years of marriage, we bet he and his lady could use a little spice in their sex life. Put a camera on it, Dwayne.

Trish Stratus

Trish Stratus is one of the most popular valets (a.k.a. managers or divas) in the history of wrestling. She's been a nonstop babe since she entered the ring, and she continues to stomp hearts into dust (uh, in the nice way) with her reality TV appearances and charity work. One of her finishing moves was called "Stratusfaction," so that solves the issue of what to call her sex tape!

Randy Orton

Now here's a current wrestler who could get the job done. Randy Orton is a heel, the crowd hates him and he gets off on it. We're not saying that we want to see a sex tape with an evil man, but then again, we do enjoy watching pornstars like Rocco Siffredi and Nacho Vidal who pretend to be selfish, disgusting, objectifying beasts. Hulk Hogan's sex tape could've used a little more egomania, and we think Orton could bring that.

Chyna

Oh, wait. Wait a minute. This wish already came true. In fact, she has a new movie called "Queen of the Ring" in which she fucks parodies of famous WWE stars. Moving along then.

Stacy Keibler

People often forget that Stacy Keibler was part of the Nitro Girls in WCW (they're like the Fly Girls from "In Living Color"). She stuck with the wrestling thing all the way through 2006, and even got into a fight with fake-boyfriend Randy Orton that ended with him using one of his finishing moves on her. It would soothe our souls (and perhaps George Clooney's as well) to see her get some alone time with Mr. Orton in a much nicer setting. Maybe she could slap him around as overdue payback for his ruthless ways, but the only finishing moves we want to see are sweaty snuggles and snoring.