The Top Five Hotties Who Need To Start Writing Erotica

Last week, Deadline reported that Sasha Grey is about to publish an erotic novel called "The Juliette Society," a book described as "'Fight Club' set in a highly sexualized world with an assertive female protagonist." That sounds cool and all, but it got us thinking about all of the other babes who ought to hop on the "Fifty Shades" bandwagon and start penning their own literary porn. Here are five of those authors-to-be who we think are most likely to melt your pants with their words.

Stoya

This seems like the natural evolution of things, doesn't it? Stoya knows sex, she's a damn good writer, and we've even seem some of her (insanely steamy) erotica before, so we think she should stop denying the world a full length novel sprung from her big, naughty brain. Since Stoya's been working on her circus strengths these days, we'd love to see a story about three lyra performers who admire each other's uniquely powerful assortment of back muscles and thus begin a polyamorous relationship that threatens to tear their entire troupe apart. She could call it "The Bigger The Hoop..."

Paz de la Huerta

We need our Paz de la Huerta fix real bad. She's not on "Boardwalk Empire" anymore, she hasn't been photographed by Terry Richardson in a while, and the last time we saw her naked was July, so if we're to sustain our massive crush on her, then Paz needs to bail us out with a trashy novel. Her mother once described her as "Marie Antoinette meets Genghis Khan," so we think her book needs to be exactly that: a big historical romance novel about the Archduchess of Austria traveling east instead of west and accidentally ending up on the steppes where she meets and marries the founding ruler of the Mongol Empire.

Or heck, we would gladly read a semi-autobiographical account of Paz's loves and lusts. We would read that all day every day until the end of days.

Helen Mirren

Fuck yes, Dame Helen Mirren. Don't act like you don't remember that picture of her hanging out topless in a tub, because we know that image is firmly lodged in the pleasure center of your brain. We've discussed the woman's comfort with her sexuality and her body, and we've even seen a few film clips that demonstrate it, so all we really have to add is this: the woman was in "Caligula" and she probably has a few stories that need to be told about it. Who wouldn't love to see a novel about the production of a smutty movie and the sexy drama happening both on and off the set? More to the point, who wouldn't love to read a novel that makes you moan Helen Mirren's name?

Lady Gaga

Let us remember that Lady Gaga is much more than a pop musician who occasionally shows her boobs on YouTube. She's an artist who is constantly sharpening and refining her craft, and though she (and her team) have made some amazing contributions to music, sculpture, fashion, advertising, dance, fragrance, and even the art of being famous, she has yet to produce any literary works. Why not start with some erotica? Gaga could give us a collection of short stories based on her songs and music videos: we could peer into the strange human market of "Bad Romance," the lust and vengeance that runs through "Paparazzi" and "Telephone," and the lovelorn BDSM vibes of "Alejandro." This would also free us from inventing explanations about what's really happening in those videos.

Michelle Obama

We understand that Michelle can't write this now, but maybe a in a decade or so she can adopt a pseudonym and give us the tell-all story of her sexual history with Barack thinly veiled in a novel called "The Audacity of Grope."