“Seven Years Of Marriage” Fly Out The Window Once Lily LaBeau Shows Up

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"The Seven Year Itch" is an amazing film that has everything you could want in a cinematic experience: goofiness, infidelity, twisted fantasies, and, most importantly, Marilyn Monroe standing over an air vent. Now, we're not saying "The Seven Year Itch" would be better with hardcore sex, but if Lily LaBeau is going to Monroe herself up and run wild through Mark Wood's fantasies, then we owe it to ourselves--nay, to the whole of movie history--to watch her do so.

And really, we all know that Tom Ewell's fantasies in the original film were far too tame to be real. Don't even try to pretend like dudes from the mid-1900's had clean imaginations, because we know it isn't true. If you had Marilyn Monroe living in the apartment above you, your brain would at least start churning out some freaky daydreams about sex in the stairwell. Anyway, we're getting ahead of ourselves.

Mark Wood is now in Tom Ewell's shoes: his wife, Raylene, has gone out of town, and his self-esteem and charm are being put to the test by the arrival of Lily LaBeau. Now, in "The Seven Year Itch," much of what plays out is only in Tom's head, but we don't know if the same is true in "Seven Years of Marriage." For example, what could get Mark to imagine Lily getting eaten out by April O'Neil? Was there a girl at his office whose lips seemed to be made for Lily's clit? Is Mark channeling his desires to squeeze Lily's breasts through a lean, tan temptress like April? Or is he simply spying on his new neighbor and her hot brunette pal? Whatever the answer is, it'll be interesting to see how Nica Noelle adapts Tom Ewell's innocence (and, more to the point, his double-guessing and anxiety around women) to fit with hardcore situations.

And what about the wife, Raylene? The original film deals a lot with the way Tom tortures himself by thinking about his lady in the hands of another man (getting cozy on a hay ride, no less); will we get the same from Mark? Is this scene with Rocco Reed putting the pipe to Raylene something that really happens, or is Mark only cuckolding himself? Regardless, we love the way Raylene and Rocco move together: she sucks the tip of his cock while he cups her heavy boobs, she strokes the back of his neck as he nibbles at hers while they spoon, and you better believe that Rocco spends ample time with his nose in Raylene's bush. If Mark is indeed making all of this stuff up, then that guy needs to quit his job and start directing porn. Homie has vision.

Nica Noelle has been using her Sweet Sinema line to remake films with stand-out sexiness--such as "9 1/2 Weeks" and "Fatal Attraction"--but here, as with "Pretty Woman," she's challenged herself by taking a beloved romantic comedy and pornifying it. We admire her for her pluck as well as her passion, and we're overjoyed that "Seven Years of Marriage" melds the marvelous moments of the original with the raw, steamy sex scenes that Nica is known for.

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