Porn Abominations of the Ancient World: “The Brides of Countess Recula”

Bridgette "The Midget" Powerz, porn's pioneering little person, anchors this videotaped blood orgy with her urinating and "Amazing Grace"-singing powerz. But at what cost?

A scientist has unearthed an 8,000-year-old mummy that happens to have a crucifix in its anus. Disregarding warnings from a local "Jesus Freak," the scientist pulls out the crucifix, thereby killing himself and reanimating Countess Recula.

"Suck my 8,000-year-old cunt, Bitch!" commands the Countess of the large-breasted lab assistant, and the pair wind up at a goth club where the bloodiest orgy/freakshow ever committed to a handheld Panasonic VHS camcorder takes place.

This 1999 exercise by Mondo "Family" Films and Colonel Rob Schaffner and W.B. Schaffner looks bad even for 1999, but we must applaud the plucky American spirit demonstrated by a movie filled with fearless, hefty swingers, pissing midgets, and auto-fellating wraiths, all awash in blood.

As I watched I thought again about what it might be like for someone for whom this movie was his or her introduction to porn. I will make sure to ask Senator Santorum when he visits California prior to the June primary.

· Buy "The Brides of Coiuntess Recula" (jerkoffzone.com)