“Blow” Has Fellatio, A Heron, And So Much More

At no point in the Stormy Daniels movie "Blow" is cocaine snorted off of Stormy Daniels. This is a shame. Isn't that the first thing you'd do if you had Stormy Daniels and some cocaine?

Blow

Director: Stormy Daniels
Starring: Stormy Daniels, Jack Vegas, Carmen Valentina, Charley Chase, Devon Lee, Diamond Kitty, Sarah Vandella, Marcus London, Brendon Miller, Tommy Gunn, Paul Allen

Review by: Gram Ponante

Lydia (Stormy Daniels) pays the price for her lavish South Florida lifestyle. Married to drug dealer Carlos (Jack Vegas), she is treated with only superficial dignity. Perhaps this is why the appearance of undercover FBI agent Cade (Brendon Miller) upends her former stripper/current trophy wife sensibilities.

Daniels wrote and directed this movie which, porn-wise, belongs to the category of Sex Where No One Smiles. Each interaction appears like a transaction between duty-bound biker molls, data gatherers (Lydia has a "friend on the force" she must pay back), or that obligatory begininning-of-the-movie sex that establishes the flick as a porno.

None of this is bad, and everyone is attractive to watch, but the characters seem joyless.

The exception is an interlude between Marcus London, alone in his lingering distrust of Cade, and his girlfriend, who comforts him in his work-related stress. She's a keeper.

"Blow" is a throwback to the high-budget porn dramas of old. With plenty of shots of the characters on yachts, in marinas, traveling by boat through what appears to be the Louisiana bayou (or the Everglades, I haven't watched "Dexter" since the third season), stepping in and out of limousines, and even a live heron, the movie is easily poised for a satisfying late-nite cable or hotel run.

Cade infiltrates Carlos' cartel by offering savings on product costs while maximizing profit. Carlos is initially dubious, but Cade assures him that customers will snort it up like it's cocaine.

"He's the man. I'm the man, you're the man," explains Cade.

Cade has also infiltrated biker gang The Sinners. At their hangout, Tommy Gunn offers Cade some stress relief in the form of two chippies.

"Don't puss out on me, Cade," says Gunn.

One fun thing about Wicked movies is the company's interior promotion. In "Risky Business," for example, Joel's dorm room was festooned by Wicked posters. In "Blow," it appears the more-lavish-than-most production was at least partially sponsored by Florida-based biker site FullThrottleVision.com, whose owner, Paul Allen, makes a cameo as Latin drug kingpin Juan Valdez, whose "Scarface" accent is as hokey as his character name.

But no matter. Where the true value in Stormy Daniels movies lie is their earnest efforts to appeal to Cinemax-watching couples and weary business travelers a long way from home.

"Blow" features a pretty credible fight sequence between Miller and London (Miller is also listed as the movie's editor), and the music is appropriate and not distracting. Kudos, also, for using a sound cue for a line of motorcycles entering a garage rather than the actual sound of motorcycles entering a garage.

All the women in the movie (Daniels, Carmen Valentina, Charley Chase, Devon Lee, Diamond Kitty, Sarah Vandella, some of whom I recognize and some I don't; wish there had been credits) are Wicked hot, especially Stormy, which is why I make this personal plea on behalf of myself as well as any woman of a certain age in your growing audience who might look to you for inspiration.

Stormy, we realize you had a baby and that you are covering up your midsection because it might not look, to your discriminating eyes, porn-worthy. Fuck em if they can't take a joke. It takes us out of the movie to watch a scene in which a woman is partially covered up, no matter how artfully the scene is shot. Furthermore, we can't believe that your character had also just had a baby in the flashback scene from six years ago.

You expect we're not going to watch you with a little belly if we're already watching you with condoms? To my knowledge, the AIDS Healthcare Foundation isn't petitioning to outlaw stomachs anytime soon.

"I doubt everyone," says Lydia on the deck of the Sincatcher as she gives herself the permission to contemplate a life where someone could actually love her.

The first step is a 2-piece bikini. It works every time.

· Wicked (wicked.com)
· Buy "Blow" (tlavideo.com)