Fleshbot’s “Oh Crap, It’s Valentine’s Day Already” Gift Guide

It's Valentine's Day and it's a Tuesday, and if you're like us, you are probably not on the ball right now. It's cool though! Here are some things you can pick up on the way home, or if worst comes to worst, things you can have delivered by the weekend. (Because honestly, it's a fucking Tuesday. Can't we just reschedule this for Saturday?)

(We can't? Fine.)

Romantic Smut
Not too long ago, we explored the rapidly expanding world of pornography aimed at couples, and in case you haven't read it, here's the jist: porn companies want you to watch their wares with a loved one, and more and more of them have been creating studios that focus solely on making such films. New Sensations has New Sensations Romance, Wicked has Wicked Passions, Adult Source Media has ASM Intimate Encounters and so on and so forth.

Anyway, the point is, you should hit the nearest naughty video store on your way home and pick something up. If you don't usually watch porn with your partner, tonight could be a great time to try it out! "Awakening to Love" is our favorite movie by Eddie Powell for New Sensations Romance; the weepy, emotional stuff plays right into oral sex, the sex influences the emotions, and Danny Mountain's British charms teach Samantha Ryan how to love again.

Toys, Toys, and More Toys
We recommend them for Christmas, for birthdays, for graduation presents, etc., so you probably get it by now. We want you to buy sex toys, we think you'll have a lot of fun, and we're sorry we say this all the time. Anyway, while we're on the subject, you better not try to have sex without a toy tonight.

Our list of Top Ten Sex Toys of 2011 includes a number of great couple-friendly gadgets, including the squeeze-controlled Minna Ola, a wirelessly controlled couple's vibrator called Tiani, and the easy-to-assemble Door Jam Sex Sling. If you're tired of things that buzz or hold your ass in the air, we suggest going for something rough like the Neon Wand. Alternately, pick up a couple of SINSual Shots, the herbal aphrodisiac that certain a Fleshbot writer still craves but worries about becoming addicted to.

If you don't have the time to hit the sex shop on your way home, we've got good news: Babeland delivers! And if you're living near Park Slope, Brooklyn, delivery is 100% free for you tonight. Take advantage of it!

Sexy Bed Sheets
This one might seem a bit weird, but hear us out. Vice Merchants makes some damn comfortable 400 thread-count sheets (note: Consumer Reports says anything over 400 is pointless and/or a lie) that feature beautiful patterns based on erotic artwork. At the moment, there are two patterns to choose from--"Poppy Playground" on the left and "Pearl Divers" on the right--each with two color schemes.

On a personal note, I had the good fortune to sleep on a queen-sized set of taupe "Poppy Playground" bedding, and even though I initially felt funny about sleeping on naked females, I loved waking up in a sea of poppies dotted with dames in pin-up positions. Will your loved one be down? Hopefully! It all depends on how you present the sheets. They can be the centerpiece of a rose-petal walkway surrounded by candles, or they can be what you hold behind your back when you say, "Hey, baby, look at this goofiness!" (Goofiness is the ultimate aphrodisiac.)

Literature
Yes, erotica: it's not just for lonely nights in the tub with some white wine anymore! We've recently been reading a bunch of short story collections organized and published by Cleis Press, and we think we have the perfect book you and your honeypie can read to each other. "Irresistible: Erotic Romance for Couples" opens with a story of two young lovers who discover the pants-soaking joy of savagely biting each other, and the book keeps getting better from there.

If "couples" stuff is too vague, then perhaps you will enjoy this anal-based story collection as much as we did! It's called "Luscious," and whether you've never played with the ass or you're a seasoned veteran of the backdoor battlefield, this book will put the booty in your brain. Our favorite story is one about an anal sex workshop in which a man overcomes his anxieties about experimenting with his girlfriend's ass. We could practically feel our fingers being squeezed as we read!

Also, we know we've mentioned this before, but we really want you to read "Steamlust" because it's steampunk erotica and that is hilarious/hot/so 2009.

Aphrodisiacs
Some people think aphrodisiacs are boring, useless, and/or a tacky approach to foreplay, but we think those people have eating disorders. There are countless herbs, fruits, meats, and drinks that can get your blood flowing to the fun parts of your body and brain. More to the point, it doesn't matter how much chocolate makes you want to fuck as long as you're eating it with someone you love (or at least someone you like a lot in that special way).

That being said, now is the perfect time to explore the world of aphrodisiacs! Amy Reiley is one of the world's leading authorities on aphrodisiacs, and her website happens to offer an Aphrodisiac of the Month newsletter for free. Every month, this Cordon Bleu-educated chef will give you the low-down on what's tasty, titillating, and fresh, so you can easily head out and serve up something sexy for dinner.

In our opinion, this is the kind of gift that people should be giving each other on Valentine's Day; it's not just a single bit of something that is exciting for one night, it's a commitment to trying new things as a couple. Isn't that what people in relationships are supposed to do? Don't you want to pioneer new lands in your perverted palette, together? No? Well, snap, then ply your sweetheart with wine and call it a night.

And if you're single, buy the sheets, the sex toys, the porn, the books, a bunch of aphrodisiacs, and become the hot decadent mess you've always wanted to become. Happy Valentine's Day!

[At top: Tori Black, Alexis Texas, Lexi Belle, and Sindee Jennings via Alexis Texas's Official Site (promo.premiumpass.com)]