Fleshbot’s Naughty And Non-Denominational Holiday Gift Guide!

We don't care what you're doing this December, but we bet it involves giving someone else presents. Did you know that both Phil Spector and Jimmy Buffett were born on December 25th? Weird, right? That's as good a reason as any for buying your sweetheart a new vibrator!

Of course, we're not just going to throw vibrators in your direction; we want to give you a number of options for this cash-blasting season. Maybe you're up to your neck in vibrators already, literally swimming through an apartment full of buzzing mayhem! (Can we come over?) For you, we have some creative options. This year, give the gift that says, "Hello, I'm classy," while slyly adding, "and I'm thinking about your genitals."

[Above: look at all the presents Charlie Laine has! Via Twistys (girls.twistys.com)]Books!
Literature is classy, right? If you're reading this, there's a chance you like words, so perhaps you would dig some of the sex-ed books that Supreme Commandress Stoya recommended! These aren't your normal "Put the P in the V" kind of books, these are fascinating looks are human anatomy and sexuality throughout time and space. If you can't trust our book recommendations, trust Stoya's. If non-fiction is too dull for you, check out Stoya's list of her favorite fuck-inspiring literature!

And if words aren't your thing, 2011 has brought us a couple of awesome picture books. There's "Harold Lloyd's Hollywood Nudes in 3-D!" (exclamation point theirs), a gigantic collection of nudes featuring some of the hottest bodies of the 20th century, captured by one of the founding fathers of silent film on some of the first 3D cameras. This is the ultimate book to buy if you like porn "because it's a fascinating genre of motion picture and photography," you big, sexy nerd, you. For the less embarrassed among you, there's "Culo by Mazzucco," a treasure chest of asses belonging to the hottest females of today. We've already seen Nicole Scherzinger's ass as well as Sarah McLachlan's, but this book also features Lady Gaga, Pamela Anderson, Leann Tweeden, Fergie, Christine Teigen, and Stacy Keibler!

[Above: some of Stoya's educational selections]

Calendars!
You've been getting blitzed with erotic calendars since Halloween, so we probably don't need to dangle any more in front of your face, but we're going to because 2012 is the Apocalypse OMG you need to know what day it is at all times!

But seriously, this could be the low key, practical gift you give to one of your friends, or even to one of your "friends" upon whom you'd like to add the suffix, "with benefits."

Every one of your favorite lad mag girls has a new calendar out, but we think now is the time to celebrate Lacey Banghard's 2011 debut. Her star has risen high and the sky, and her tits will guide you through what will surely be a tumultuous year. For a more American flavor, try Playboy's 2012 calendar, complete with awkward shots of Hef's runaway bride!

If you're looking for something a little more avant-garde, look no further than vaginas. With this Waxhouse interactive calendar, you can literally shave the days away as you peel off the pubes of twelve different models.

Personally, we're probably going to go with Girlfriends Films's calendar. We can't say exactly why, but we need the sight of lesbians spanking and kissing each other this year.

[Above: the cover of the Girlfriends Films 2012 Calendar. You should check out the freakiness inside! (girlfriendsfilms.com)]
Sex Toys!
Look, we had to include these. We can't mention sexy gifts without talking about things you literally apply to your genitals. Heck, we spend the whole year, walking around New York City, looking in sex toy shop windows, and fogging up the glass with our desire. Let us live vicariously through you!

One of our favorite companies, JimmyJane, has a Gift Wizard on their website. It's an interactive flash gadget that lets you put in who your gift is for (man, lady, or the couple as a unit), how naughty the gift should be, and your price range, and it spits out some suggestions. From our standpoint, there's nothing nicer you can get for the special labia lady in your life than any or all of the FORM series. These are easily some of the most innovative vibrators on the market and they're all waterproof. What more could you ask for?

For that special someone with a penis, you should check out any (or all!) of the Tenga 3D toys. They're simple, elegant, and not too pricey—exactly what we've come to expect from this brilliant purveyor of masturbation sleeves.

[Above: honestly, look how nice those Tenga 3Ds look. Their sleekness is arousing.]
Devices for Storing/Hiding Your Porn!
Nothing says "Happy non-denomination holiday that we're celebrating together" quite like a place for your loved-one to stash their smut.

For those who enjoy the old fashioned thrill of watching smut on the TV, but long to move beyond outdated formats like DVDs and Blu-Ray, we strongly recommend FyreTV. Essentially an AppleTV box full of porn, FyreTV offers access to a whole heck of a lot of smut for a really affordable price. Worried that committing to a whole dedicated box just for porn might be a bit much? Never fear: with a FyreTV account, you can access the same awesome library on your Roku or Boxee box, too.

Like the idea of porn in the cloud, but think TVs are painfully old school? Check out Pink Visual's PVLocker.com, a nifty website that allows you to amass a large collection of porn...and store it somewhere other than that "Business" folder that's fooling nobody. In addition to offering you access to tons of Pink Visual, Wasteland, Acid Rain, and Sssh.com content, PV Locker also features an upload component that allows you to upload your own porn videos. Clearly, just the right gift for the pervert who has everything....and doesn't know where to store it.

Dishes!
Nobody likes coming home to a bunch of dirty dishes. That is, unless the dishes are this kind of dirty. The good people at Dirty Dishes take some vintage softcore scenes and bake them right onto ceramic plates. They're not dishwasher safe, but they are safe to eat off of, and we can't imagine anyone would want to leave a single crumb upon these fine works of art. There are currently only six designs to choose from, but the artisans say they'll have new pieces soon! These are perfect for the college graduate who needs some flatware, and who isn't afraid to wine and dine a date upon the naked buttcheeks of a forest nymph.

And frankly, it's December, so every meal should be devoured off the ass of a beautiful forest nymph. That's the kind of winter holiday tradition we keep.

[Above: the entire set of Dirty Dishes (dirtydish.es)]