Netflix Picks: Your All-Inclusive NC-17 Getaway

November 4, 2011
OTTIMO-MASSIMO

It's November. We're coming to grips with the fact that it'll quickly get too cold to be outside and we don't have the money for a vacation. Are we bummed about that? Heck naw, we have a buttload of raunchy Netflix vacation movies to watch!

Because even if we made it down to Mexico, there's no guarantee of sexy times. However, if we sit back and click around for a bit, we have a 90% chance of witnessing full-frontal nudity. This isn't laziness, this is statistical brilliance.

1. Sizzle Beach, U.S.A.: This film is chock full of bikinis, babes, bush, and full-frontal nudity, but to get to any of it, you have to make you way past what must be the least sexy movie cover of all time. Who thinks raunchy times in Malibu are best represented by a young Kevin Costner squatting awkwardly above a couple of reclining babes?

2. Pervert!: This movie was recommended by a kind commenter named MasterChi!?!, whose endorsement reads, "it stars a pornstar so its definitely fappable." This movie is 2005's nod to sexploitation films is often described as seeming Russ Meyer-ish, so you can guarantee that it has all the sex and violence that you crave. Oh, and that pornstar is Mary Carey, the onetime California gubernatorial candidate. This movie has so muchhistorical relevance!

3. The Pigkeeper's Daughter/Sassy Sue: Another commenter, rayman25m, recommended these two, and they're conveniently packaged together! If you're in the mood for a country sex romp, look no further than this double feature; it's all beautiful, busty ranch hands who know that DTF stands for more than Down (on) The Farm. "The Pigkeeper's Daughter" is about a farm girl whose mother tries to marry her off to a traveling salesman, and "Sassy Sue" is about a farmer who tries to get his young son to sow his wild oats amongst the local farmgirls (and not with the animals). Yes, it's like a softcore version of "Hee Haw," how could you tell?

4. The Brown Bunny: We've shied away from mentioning this film in the other Netflix posts, but we realized that if there were footage of Chloe Sevigny sucking Vincent Gallo's huge cock in any other context, we would post it. In fact, we have posted it before! The point is: if you'd like to see such a thing go down, we advise you to fast-forward about 80 minutes in, enjoy the blowjob scene, and then quickly turn the movie off. (Some dark things go down at the end.)

5. Swimming Pool: It's funny that "Swimming Pool" was rated U (for everyone) in France but almost earned NC-17 when it came out in America; we guess some countries are more accepting of Ludivine Sagnier's perfect, big (but not too big) breasts when they show up by the pool, in the pool, in the bath, on a couch, writing in bed, mid-coitus, post-coitus, and the morning after coitus. Charlotte Rampling is always a joy to watch, and this movie received great praise, but did we mention that you get to see Ludivine's breasts?