Six Sexy Celebrities Who Should Get Their Genitals Made Into Fleshlights

Fleshlight just offered Lindsay Lohan $1 million to let them take and distribute molds of her mouth, vagina, and ass. While we hope that Fleshlight doesn't go the way of Vivid and start offering naughty deals to any woman caught in a public scandal, we feel like their heart is in the right place. If there's one thing this world needs right now, it's cyberskin reproductions of the orifices of celebrities!

Yesterday, Fleshlight sent Lindsay Lohan this message:

October 26, 2011

Dear Ms. Lohan:
We would very much like to invite you to become one of our Fleshlight Girls. Fleshlight is the #1 selling male sex toy for men, and becoming one of our Fleshlight Girls means you would be joining an exclusive club. Should you decide to join this club, we would offer you up to $1 million dollars for molds of your mouth, vagina, and butt.

Your Fleshlight products would bring fantasies to reality as men across the world would be able to have fun with Lindsay Lohan! You would be joining the Fleshlight Girls family which includes porn stars such as Jesse Jane, Jenna Haze, Lisa Ann and Stoya. With over four million Fleshlight products sold, Fleshlight is the most well-known and reputable male sex toy company in the world.

We hope you will give our offer serious consideration and that you will contact us at your earliest convenience.

Sincerely,
Steven Shubin

This seems like a reasonable development for these masturbation sleeve mavens, doesn't it? They've recently expanded their Fleshlight Girls line to include European pornstars, so branching out into recreations of mainstream celebrity body parts must be the next logical step. We already asked Fleshlight to market a Mary Louise Parker Fleshlight for the MILF-lovers of the world, and we stand by that recommendation, but we figured that there are a few other big names who should spend some time under the plaster.

Rihanna
Rihanna's image has been getting more and more sexualized as time goes on, and we feel like she'll eventually endorse a sex toy comapny. But there's no reason she should sign off on someone else's random masturbation sleeve when she could be pimping her own plaster-casted pussy through Fleshlight! And if she had it themed after the leather-rich fantasies of <a href=""S&M," it could be Fleshlight's first foray into BDSM territory. What if they paired the sleeve with a cockring? We'd buy it.

If that's too hardcore for Fleshlight's taste, then there are many other videos they can draw from for inspiration. Have you seen the video for "We Found Love"? Rihanna vomits ribbons and it's beautiful. What if her Fleshlight squirted ribbons? Again, we'd buy it.

Lady Gaga
We weren't exactly fans of Fleshlight's last attempt at making monster vaginas, but we'd gladly play with a Fame Monster toy! Lady Gaga loves to use fashion and sex to cast a curious eye on pop culture, so we feel like she'd enjoy having her body parts replicated and sent out all over the world. What's more surreal, more bizarre, more Gaga than having your brand-name pussy in the palm of every paying customer? Ok, that Hustler parody was pretty trippy, but we think this takes the cake.

Paz de la Huerta
Paz de la Huerta wields her sexuality like a mighty sword, and we've repeatedly found our heads lobbed off on the floor before we realized what hit us. As Jim Jarmusch said, "Nudity is her favorite wardrobe, her way of confronting her own fears head-on." So we wouldn't be surprised if Paz wanted to turn her naughty bits into Fleshlights. She hasn't exactly fixed her conqueror's eye on the sex toy industry, but we imagine she'd like to extend her power in any direction that taps directly into the base desires of humans—it's conceptually tempting, not to mention monetarily tempting as well.

We desperately hope that she reaches out to Steven Shubin about this because A) she would be the proud owner of the first Fleshlight with an HBO tie-in and B) Paz's mom described her as "Genghis Khan meets Marie Antoinette" and we think that's insanely hot.

Venus and Serena Williams
We tend to think of pornstars as professional athletes of a sort, so it seems perfectly logical to have mainstream professional athletes market their own Fleshlights! The Williams sisters have it going on, but it seems like we only stop to realize it whenever ESPN Magazine puts out The Body Issue. If only we had something else to remind us all year-round of their Williamses stunning looks—if we could only keep a couple objects around that would allow us to live out our naughty, selfish threesome fantasies in which Venus and Serena serve us in the naughtiest ways possible.

You see, if Fleshlight sold a two-for-one set of Williams sisters sleeves, then the tennis fetishists of the world could stop flogging themselves with rackets (and we could get over Serena's loss to Ana Ivanovic).

Helen Mirren
Look, we have to suggest Helen Mirren. Maybe you don't understand how much we like her; we like her a huge freaking lot. Plus, the 65 and older crowd is severely underrepresented by Fleshlight, and there's a whole generation of Baby Boomers looking for sex toys; any company smart enough to tap into that market will find themselves handsomely rewarded, and we think Helen Mirren is the perfect woman for spearheading this effort. Need we remind you that her body was deemed hotter than those of Jennifer Lopez, Kelly Brook, Elle MacPherson, Kate Winslet, and Pippa Middleton?

We really don't want you to take this as a joke. Helen Mirren—excuse us, Dame Helen Mirren—is gorgeous, talented, down to get naked, and she could easily be the most desirable woman over sixty in the entire world. You know what you must do, Fleshlight.