Fleshlight Freaks: A Monster Mash Of Masturbation Sleeves

We know what you're thinking: "It's almost Halloween, and I have yet to have sex with any undead, reanimated, extraterrestrial, or cybertronic vaginas!" Don't worry, Fleshlight has you covered with their new Freaks series. They might just be the most horrifying things I've ever penetrated, and I might have really enjoyed it.

The entire set is comprised of vaginas belonging to the following fictional beasts: a vampire, a cyborg, a zombie, a Frankenstein (that is, the vagina of the bride of Frankenstein), and an Alien. I already reviewed the Alien portion back when it was packaged with Hustler's "This Ain't Avatar XXX", and I loved it. It was sparkly blue, it felt fantastic to fuck, and best of all, it wasn't trying to be a human body part, so I wasn't forced to masturbate while hanging out in the lowest pit of the uncanny valley.

But the other four Freaks occupy a strange place between human and inhuman, so how am I supposed to conceptualize them? They're monstrous, for sure, but not because they try to be realistic. Actually, I'm not sure what Fleshlight is trying to do here: are these purely novelty, or am I really supposed to enjoy sticking a precious piece of myself in what looks like the rotting flesh of a corpse?

There's only one way to find out!

Drac
I decided to space my testing out over the course of a few days—partially to give myself time to reflect, mostly because I'm a gentleman and wanted to give each Freak the attention she deserves. Starting with the vampiric Drac model seemed easiest because I watch a lot of "True Blood," and I genuinely admire the work that the artisan cyberskin sculptors did on the labia. They're not just bat wings, they're wings that look a lot like those belonging to the giant bat on the cover of Meat Loaf's "Bat Out of Hell."

Sadly, Drac's insides aren't as interesting as its vulva. It's nothing but a double helix of studs and smooth sections—it's essentially a rib-less version of Asa Akira's signature Dragon texture and it's boring. At first plunge, I felt a tight grip and nothing else. The only way I could feel any fang was to pull out and wipe some lube off (which is ever so ungentlemanly) and then go back in. Why should I be punished for using a liberal amount of lubrication?

I admit that I probably use too much lube—so much that two strong thrusts from my pelvis made the stuff sputter out the back of the Drac and rain on my computer. I've had problems with Fleshlight's lubrication leakage before, and it seems that I never remember that.

Judgment: Don't put your stake in this.

Cyborg
Conceptually, the cyborg vagina is the easiest to fuck. For all we know, this could be exactly what cyborg vaginas are like in the future!

You'll notice that the most robotic feature in this Fleshlight is the simple bit of circuitry running down the length of the shaft. There are actually two of them, one on either side of the toy, and I was unprepared for how great they felt. For one, they provided a small yet noticeable amount of pressure to the bottom and top of my cock, and though it didn't feel human by any means, it hit my frenulum just so. Second, the edges are left sharp, so I could actually feel the detailed corners of cyberskin tracing down my shaft. You know that a masturbation sleeve is good when you forget to fuck the last few inches of it.

This Freak actually taught me something about masturbation sleeve design: ridges and bumps that travel along the sleeve (such as the Cyborg's circuit) give just as much pleasure as those that are placed around the circumference of your cock, and more toys ought to mix these two styles.

Judgment: Buy it, love it, and finally live out your "Blade Runner" fan fiction.
Zombie
I really had to steel myself before testing the Zombie, and I think you can tell why: the outside is plainly nasty. It's a rotten, mangled orifice with a chunk of labia missing, served with a side of open sores. I suppose if you need to go to jerk yourself to sleep after playing a 20-hour marathon of "Resident Evil," the sight of pelvic muscle tissue peeking out would make you instantly hard.

Sigh.

So, anyway, I had sex with this. The texture is a combination of classic Fleshlight features: the deep ridges of the Wonder Wave lead you to the ultra-famous Lotus Node (that some people claim feels quite vagina-like) and then you end up in the tight wavy canal that comes at the back of the Fleshlight Girls anal sleeve. It actually felt decent! The Lotus Node is loads of fun, especially when it catches on the coronal ridge; it no wonder the Lotus is so damn popular! I, for one, found that it feels best when you bang this monster slowly (George Romero style) and savor the squeeze, so tough luck for those of you who demand faster ("28 Days Later" style) wanking.

Did the Zombie feel good enough to excuse its appearance? Not. Even. Close. One Lotus Node won't make me forget the sight of water-based Fleshlube dripping and spreading around the pussy of the walking dead.

Judgment: This would've been so much funnier if it had been a mouth. Then you could make jokes about the zombie giving you brains! Ha!
Frankenstein
Which do you think is more revolting: the Zombie or the Frankenstein? I'm having trouble deciding, because as nasty as the Zombie looks, there is something uniquely depressing about inserting one's penis into a pussy what looks like a poorly-made baseball.

Anyway, the Frankenstein—which I affectionately call "Fuckenstein"—has the most complex texture of the Freaks line, beginning with a Lotus Node, taking you through a gauntlet of ridges, twists, and bumps, and ending with a lightning-bolt ridge that zigs and zags to the very end. There's great symbolism to be had here! This vagina, made from pieces of many other vagina, has been crafted to look like a female orifice, but only after going through chopping, twisting, sewing, and being brought to life by a pure bolt of electricity! Mary Shelley would be stoked to discover that people are reading her most famous novel by masturbating with a giant toy that makes loud gushing sounds.

Sadly, the sensations aren't as bold as the symbols. The Lotus Node is grand, and the Bolt portion is almost as fun as the Cyborg's circuit, but I just wasn't thrilled! Something was missing, and I can't quite put my finger on it.

Judgment: No need to summon an angry mob, but perhaps not worth $63.71.

Conclusion
Honestly, who would sit down at the computer and order one of these? Ok, I can see the Cyborg selling well, and these would certainly make excellent gag gifts—maybe you can surprise your friends by hiding a mini Toblerone in the Zombie sleeve—but I can't imagine anyone saying, "Yes, I would like to spend my time balls deep in that." Aren't sex toys supposed to be appealing? I'm not saying you should be physically attracted to your Fleshlight, but you should be able to look down at your own dick and enjoy what's happening to it, adding to your tactile pleasure with the visual confirmation that something warm and tight is wrapped around your junk. If you're the kind of person who wants to see stitches, bats, and decomposing flesh when you look down, buy yourself some Freaks!

And if you don't ever look at what your hands are doing to your penis, then try out the Cyborg and be happy that you're not messing with the rest of them.

Although, I should feel fortunate that I didn't have to test the dildos that come with the Freaks. (We dare you to see for yourself. Happy Halloween!)

· Fleshlight Freaks! (fleshlight.com)