Porn For Straight Girls: Parental Control

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Whenever I'm a little tired of porn, when I'm not in the mood to dissect "male gaze," or analyze whether or not the women in a movie are enjoying themselves, I go back to Nica Noelle. She's just so awesome and consistently sexy. Also, Xander Corvus is hot.

Remember that MTV show "Parental Control" where parents picked new potential partners for their children because they hated the current boy/girlfriend? This is sort of the twisted porn version of that. Xander Corvus and Natasha Nice are dating, and his parents hire her to babysit his baby brother. Just so you know, this baby never shows up in the movie, which is weird but probably a good thing since, well, this is porn. Anyway, Xander's mom Raylene doesn't like the way her husband Christian looks at Natasha (with dirty thoughts, you know) and so she concocts a plan with her friend Nica Noelle(!) wherein Nica's daughter Melanie will gradually replace Natasha, first as a babysitter and then as everything else.

Xander Corvus went to both the James Deen school of hotness and his school of romantic fuckery, and he must have graduated with fairly high marks from both. He's not quite as hot as James, nor as adorably enthusiastic about sex, but he has the scruffy/smoldering thing down and when he fucks Natasha, it's convincingly couple-y, with a lot of "baby" and oral sex. Natasha is a really, really energetic lady! She's practically kangaroo-ing up and down on his cock. I winced a few times when she landed, it was that hard. They both seemed to like it, though.

And theirs is a better scene than when Xander eventually leaves Natasha for Melanie, a moment that starts out awkwardly and is pretty much silent the entire time. Which might be true to cheating, who knows? Is it quiet so no one is reminded of what they're doing? Melanie Rios is beautiful, but a little vacant. She didn't seem all that into what was happening, like this was a fucked up soap opera fairy tale and she was only fucking Xander to get him away from Natasha.

My favorite scene was actually when Christian decides to convince Raylene that he wasn't trying to bang their son's girlfriend. Obviously, "I love you and only you" sex is always going to be pretty good. Christian is great no matter what he's in, and Raylene does the whole affronted-wife thing very well. They managed to be loving without being sappy, which gave them a necessary distance from the whole teenage-lovers thing that Xander's scenes had.

Of course, the final scene is when all of Raylene's fears come true and Christian and Natasha have sex. Natasha's upset because Xander is cheating on her (though she doesn't know for sure yet) and Raylene summarily dismisses her. In an effort to comfort her, Christian tells her how amazing she is, and then BOOM! They're fucking. There's basically no transition. It was probably the dirtiest scene, which is great.

Conclusion: Xander Corvus makes a good James Deen substitute when I am out of James Deen movies to watch and I want to be turned on by three-day stubble and man jewelry. Raylene does not look remotely like a woman who has just had a baby. Cheating is bad and leads to more cheating. Nica Noelle needs to be like Hitchcock and make appearances in all of her movies.

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Previously: Porn For Straight Girls Archive