The Future Of Pornography As Cal/OSHA Wants It

The California Occupational Safety and Health Administration (Cal/OSHA) is having a meeting today to discuss implementing a bunch of regulations for Porn Valley. Many adult entertainment professionals think this spells death for the industry, but we know that porn can survive anything! So here's a very unsexy look at the future of pornography.

Although this document (warning: it's a 19-page PDF) is by no means the final word on what health regulations will look like for Californian porn productions, it does provide us with a glimpse at Cal/OSHA's completely unreasonable mindset. The juiciest parts of the document basically state that there shall be no physical contact without barriers: condoms, dental dams, gloves, face masks, goggles, and plastic covers for every surface (see: the thick plastic shield on the couch in your grandma's house).

Now, if you're a sensible person, you can tell that such regulations spell disaster for the adult industry. You recognize that this body fluid bondage makes any sex act as difficult to perform as it is dull to watch, and that performers, producers, directors, and fans will give up on California as the Golden State of Smut.

However, if you're like us, you're busy wondering what the last days of California's porn productions will look like. We've drawn up three sample movies for different companies, directors, and pornographic styles because if this is what the future of porn will be, we need to work together to preserve some idea of sexiness. And if that doesn't work, we want to go out in a blaze of unsexy glory.
Movie 1: Gonzo
Let's say Jules Jordan or Evil Angel wants to make a movie in Cal/OSHA controlled California, but they're not sure where to begin. Jules Jordan can no longer put out creampie movies like "Internal Damnnation 4" and Evil Angel is going to have a hard time working with Rocco Siffredi ever again because that guy likes to pour milk in ladies' asses and then fuck it out of them so hard that the whole bathroom is speckled white. So what are they to do?

Here's our idea: "Belladonna: No Touching"

This Belladonna-directed film draws heavily from her "No Warning" series, but only as far as filming and editing go. This all-girl romp is all about intimidation, control, and teasing. You'll love watching a latex-clad Bobbi Starr use a gloved hand to spank Francesca Le's butt (but not too hard). Then you get a dose of girl-almost-on-girl action as Adrianna Nicole and Ashli Orion each masturbate with a double-sided dildo and talk about touching each other while sitting next to each other on the same fucking couch! For the climactic finale, Belladonna herself has an explosive masturbation scene at the end of which a team of professionally trained, state certified nurses appear, stand in front of her vagina, and collect every bit of ejaculate that squirts out of her. AVN will name this scene the Quickest Disposal of Other Potentially Infectious Material of 2014.
Movie 2: Parody
Maybe parody porn won't be hit as hard as gonzo stuff; it could be easier to get around the body fluid regulations when you can devote some energy to plot. Then again, how many TV shows and movies have characters who gird their loins for love by encasing themselves in plastic? We can think of one movie...

"Outbreak: A XXX Parody"

Because if the state government is going to treat spit, piss, blood, tears, and jizz of all varieties as biohazards, you might as well go for broke!

Lee Roy Myers takes the 1995 American disaster film about an Ebola-like virus and updates it for Cal/OSHA. A new strain of hepatitis (called Hepatitis Z or HZV) surfaces in Chatsworth, CA and is spreading all over Los Angeles. When martial law is declared, the CDC sends in Dustin Hoffman (a freshly-shaven Tom Byron) and Rene Russo (Chyna, who will soon be a regular pornstar) to find the source of the virus. The final scene in the film features Tom and Chyna attempting to have sex in Level 4 positive-pressure hazmat suits, before being joined by Sean Michaels. As Sean enters, he deliver's Morgan Freeman's famous speech:

"I know some of us have doubts about what we're about to do, we'd be less than human if we didn't, but the fate of the nation—perhaps the world—is in our hands. We cannot, we dare not refuse this burden. I am confident that each of you will do his duty. God forgive us."

At this point, Sean and Tom jizz all over the laminated PVC apron protecting Chyna's body. Unfortunately, they have to remove their own hazmat suits to do so, and exposure to the airborne HZV virus kills them both on the spot.
Movie 3: Feature
These movies come with big budgets, so it shouldn't be too hard to incorporate the safety regulations in a way that's pleasing to the consumer. Wicked Pictures already uses condoms in its productions; they're practically BFFLs with Cal/OSHA right now, but consider the fact that one of their latest hits had a bunch of group sex scenes. In fact, one scene featured at least sixteen people! It's one thing to lay down plastic sheets and goggles for two or three people, but this is another beast entirely. How will Wicked continue making this kind of high-octane, battle royale smut while keeping in line with safety standards?

"Delay"

This reimagining of "Speed" stars jessica drake as a biker chick whose leadfoot was miraculously cured by a debilitating back injury. Her former rivals, Asa Akira and Keni Styles, feel such sympathy for jessica that they write up a treaty and organize a pan-gang orgy to commemorate the peace. Yes, you get the same ménage à twenty scenes you love, except now they go reeeeal sloooowly.

As we've mentioned before, Ang Lee took 100 hours to film ten minutes of sex in "Lust, Caution," and we were deeply impressed with both his dedication to his vision as well as the endurance of the actors. Well, 100 hours is going to be the industry standard for this kind of scene, because all clothing has to be removed in an orderly fashion and placed out of range of the sex, the plastic covers will have to be changed every time someone changes locations, and all barriers (condoms, dental dams, gloves, and goggles) must be removed and reapplied for every new partner. There will be no spontaneous sex acts because every move will have been choreographed and written down in the Exposure Control Plan. We imagine that this will use up a half-gallon of lube, a few dozen barriers of different shapes and sorts, and Lord knows how many doses of Viagra and Caverject to keep the gents on set hard and ready. Sure, it's expensive, painful, and about as erotic as a game of Bingo, but at least it's safe!