Fleshbot’s Costume Closet: Guaranteed To Get You Laid!

These days, Halloween costumes are little more than Fuck-Me Pumps for the whole body. Let us offer some creative ways to replace the usual slew of slutty costumes with creative, brain-stimulating sexiness.

Ladies, the age of the lazy-yet-revealing Halloween costume is over. We're not saying hide your cleavage or lengthen your skirt; we're just advocating some healthy, intellectual goofiness to go with your goods. And gents, if the ladies are going to be stepping their sexy games up, you need to upgrade as well. We've got big plans for All Hallow's Eve, and all of our plans end with you performing the costumed Walk of Shame on November 1st. What should the females be this year? Let's start with...

Christina Hendricks
"Mad Men" lust is so ubiquitous, it's almost passé. (If we get invited to another "Mad Men"-themed party, we're going to scream.) However, celebrity lust is always in style, and right now is the perfect time to look like Christina Hendricks. Unless you can already match her wild curves, you're going to need boob- and hip-enhancers—whether you get plastic, pillows, or surgery to complete that task is entirely up to you. Adorn your new body a with sultry red weave and a decadent corset, and you become the Woman of the Hourglass (or whatever they're calling her these days).

Complementary Costume For Significant Other? Geoffrey Arend, Christina Hendrick's husband: give yourself messy hair and slightly large eyeballs. Walk around clinging to Christina for dear life, periodically explaining who Geoffrey Arend is.

[Picture via New York Magazine (nymag.com)]
Emma Frost (a.k.a. the White Queen)
She's a super powerful mutant who has psychic abilities, can turn to diamond, and struts around in skimpy all-white clothing. It's perhaps the nerdiest/hottest costume you can pull together this year. Better yet, since she's set to appear in next year's "X-Men: First Class," you'll be way ahead of the Emma Frost obsession curve! Any combination of white clothing—such as boots, bikini, cape, and fur hat—will transform you into a pioneer of costume trends and a pile of awe-struck Marvel maniacs will carry you off on their shoulders.

Complementary Costume For Significant Other? Cyclops, the on-again, off-again boyfriend: Cyclops cheated on Jean Grey with Emma Frost psychically. How hot is that? Later in the storyline, Jean uses her powers to nudge Cyclops into a real relationship with Emma, and the two become headmasters of the Mutant Academy. If you can't find a ruby-quartz visor for the costume, just grab some red sunglasses and rakish good looks.

Krystal Ball
For those who don't know, Krystal is the Democratic nominee in Virginia's 1st congressional district election, and she's recently run into some silly Halloween costume trouble of her own. She once attended a Halloween party dressed as "sexy Santa," leading her husband around with a leash on his neck and a dildo on his nose. Get it? He's like randy Rudolph or something. Naturally, some dildo-nose-sucking photos surfaced, and media outlets made this into a big hubbub. Show your support for a congressional nominee's right to be sexy! Slap on a black tanktop, a red skirt, a Santa cap, and a big ol' smile, and don't let nobody tell you not to run for political office.

Complementary Costume For Significant Other? Krystal's former husband and bearer of the Rudolph dildo-nose: these two really only work as a pair, but both of the costumes are easy to pull-off. All this one needs is a leash, some antlers, and a bright red dildo-nose.

Nosferatu
Now let's think about some male-oriented costumes. Nosferatu is a fun choice for a number of reasons. 1) You get to be scary, and costumes too often lean away from the scary camp and toward the "Oh, how clever!" camp. Reclaim your right to fright(en). 2) Decent-looking guys will be half-assing vampire costumes with plastic teeth and tons of glitter. Show them that real vampires have terrible looks and shamelessly love to creep on women. 3) You get to creep on women (just be nice about it)! For this costume, you'll need a bald cap, pale skin, intense black eye shadow, Spock ears, sharp buckteeth, long evil fingers, and some black clothing (a peacoat will do in a pinch).

Complementary Costume For Significant Other? Bella Swan: She's just left Edward because she realizes what a real vampire has to offer. Look frumpy-hot, bite your lip often, and don't ever leave Nosferatu's side.

Tony Stark
Iron Man costumes are going to be big this year, but don't let that discourage you; ditch the superhero look for Tony's sleek, bastardy suit style! Pimp out your best pinstripe with an Arc Reactor blazing behind your tie—either follow these crazy instructions or just tape a flat LED touch lamp to your chest. Walk around looking greasy and charismatic, doing your best Robert Downey Jr. impression. Alternately, you can be the Ghostface Killah version of Tony Stark and walk around the party singing "Slept On Tony."

Complementary Costume For Significant Other? Pepper Potts: Look mad sexy in a businesswoman's suit! We were tempted to suggest Black Widow as Tony's escort, but all that tight vinyl clashes with the professional look. Little known fact: in the Invincible Iron Man series, Pepper gets shrapnel in her chest and needs a glowing chest magnet just like Tony. Matching His n' Hers chest lights are adorable!

Allen Ginsberg
Feel like being the voice that defined a literary movement and continues to tap into the deepest emotions of mystical minds to this very day? We bet you do. Plus, thanks to that "Howl" movie, attractive, non-literary types now know what Ginsberg looks like! (Or, more to the point, hot babes think Allen Ginsberg looks like James Franco, and will think that you look like James Franco.) You can be a clean-shaven Ginsberg or you can be balding and bearded Ginsberg hanging out at the Be In, but you're going to need some thick, black glasses, a memory packed full of poetry, and a holy glow at all times.

Complementary Costume For Significant Other? You have options: You can be Peter Orlovsky, Ginsberg's partner of some thirty years, or maybe you can be Carl Solomon (dressed in psychiatric hospital garb), to whom the third part of "Howl" is addressed. We recommend dressing up as Moloch (how is up to you), so Allen can go around saying "Moloch! Moloch!" and you can be all, "I'm right here!"