Very Little Ass, Even Fewer Vampires: It’s “Vampirass”

The woman on the box isn't in the movie. The breasts are mostly real and the pubes are abundant. Pale flesh slaps against even more pale flesh, and we can count the little creases as well as smell the mounds of cocaine in the next room. Today's horror porn takes us back to 1993 and that year's "Vampirass."

Vampirass

With a title like Vampirass, I was surprised Suspiriass didn't show up a week later. But what do I know?

I decided to transcribe Rick Blaine's script:

Darkness

SFX: Single wolf HOWL over RAINDROPS

CUT TO:

INT. RICHMAN REAL ESTATE OFFICE

NIKKI RICHMAN is on the phone.

NIKKI
I don't care. I want that listing. Got it?

NIKKI hangs up and immediately begins masturbating. When she is done, the phone rings

SFX: Phone RINGS

NIKKI
Yes, I am the agent for the Delmonico Estate. What a coincidence. I was just thinking about the former owners.

CUT TO:

INT. Delmonico Estate

This video (shot in 1993, it's actually a video on DVD) is filled with pleasant associations. Bright VHS-style lighting, pubic hair, the type of dialogue and editing that will forever be associated with porn movies, and - something I haven't seen before - a sequence where the camera cuts to a guy's face as he says "Ahhh! Lick it off your lips!" and then cuts to the woman's face and holds for two seconds before he comes. It was as if his dialogue actually came later but was inserted before the cumshot by mistake. Fun!

Vampirass is really, really bad. But you know how things have devolved to the point that people say, "It's not 'so bad it's good' bad but actually bad"? Well, this movie fits into that Can't Stop the Music category of So Bad It's Good. I have a feeling that everyone who made the movie (and everyone who subsequently watched it lo these past 15 years) was high.

Especially a woman named Madison, who plays a witch in one of the few flashbacks that actually pertains to the plot (the rest are just excuses for sex). Madison can't seem to get the ants off herself. It shouldn't be funny. It is probably tragic. But everything was funny if it happened a decade and a half ago. Remember the L.A. riots? ROFL!

Turns out the woman who once owned the house was Vanessa (Teddi Austin), who abandoned the home under mysterious circumstances (we see in a flashback what those were). Now her old friend Nikki (Gail Force) has the home listing ("It's the least I could do for Vanessa" she says - ?) and is showing it to a third old friend (Ashley Dunn), who explains that she got $30 million in a divorce, as well as a mulleted bodyguard.

After touring the home, which includes a visit to a room where "Vanessa did rituals" ("This place gives me the creep," Dunn says) Nikki and Dunn go to work on the bodyguard, as the same wolf sound effect repeats in the background. Always be closing, Nikki!

The girls figure out a way to bring back Vanessa from limbo, but crazy Madison has ripped out a page from the spellbook and Vanessa comes back bearing bad news. Since the ritual wasn't followed to the letter, everyone is a vampire!!!!!!!LOL!

SFX: Wolf howls

INT. BASEMENT DUNGEON

The women look up at the camera and they now have vampire teeth.

FREEZE FRAME

CAPTION: We'll be back

Of course they never were. Vampirass is a fantastically awful movie.

Studio: VCA
Director: Michael Black
Cast: Madison, Gail Force, Ashley Dunn, Teddi Austin, Brandi Blaxxx, Tom Chapman, Ted Wilson, Don Fernando, Cameo

Review by: Gram Ponante

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