“Seinfeld XXX”: Festivus Comes Early And Often With Kristina Rose

Porn parodies are like Round And Round, a Ratt cover band fronted by your sister and her really hot friends, with your probation officer on drums; there must be a compelling reason to see them rather than the real thing.

Seinfeld: A XXX Parody

Studio: New Sensations
Director: Lee Roy Myers
Cast: James Deen, Ashlynn Brooke, Sadie West, Evan Stone, Sasha Grey, Cassandra Calogera, Kristina Rose, Natalie Norton, London Keys, Eric John, Tony DeSergio

Review by: Gram Ponante

"Seinfeld: A XXX Parody" is the long-anticipated, much-dreaded New Sensations product that seemed to signal the barrelbottom-scraping of the porn parody trend, in which a show with only one vaguely pornable main character out of several non-starters is upended and tweaked for maximum adult entertainment.

What gave "Seinfeld XXX" the greenlight over, say, an equally unlikely pornic adaptation of "Rhoda" was that some of the cast members were born during the run of the original.

For fans of Jerry Seinfeld's nine-season show, there is plenty about the parody to vaguely nod about; the costumes and set are similar, the familiar bass riffs are there, and director Lee Roy Myers even takes a shot at recreating camera angles.

But is it funny? I seem to remember the original show was funny.

Sadly, though it tries really hard, "Seinfeld: A XXX Parody" is not funny.

(People say the same thing about me, what with my Ratt references that are introduced and never repeated. Just watch.)

"So what's the deal with the '-ography' on the end of 'pornography'?" asks Gary (James Deen—for some reason producers chose to slightly change each character's first name) in a wraparound standup segment. "It means 'to study something,' right?"

Gary then riffs, Jerry Seinfeld-like, on pornography vs. dickography. Deen has the inflection down and Myers has the lighting down, and there is a laugh track that you want to punch in the face, but neither is the segment funny nor does "-ography" mean "to study something." That's "-ology."

Ditto the ballpark re-creations of Kramer ("Crammer"), the Soup Nazi (Evan Stone as the Porn Nazi), and George ("Gorge"); each is a good try but there is nothing in those performances or the writing that justifies a movie.

Kristina Rose as "Elaina" is the exception. She channels Julia Louis-Dreyfus admirably, and she is the gateway to all that is wonderful about "Seinfeld XXX."

Because Rose's two scenes and those of Ashlynn Brooke, Sasha Grey, Sadie West, London Keys, and Cassandra Calogera stand out; it is the one area in the movie where the contrivances are welcome (Calogera interrupts Gary onstage, the only example in recorded history of a good heckler). And that is a huge relief, because it's a porn movie.

What saves "Seinfeld: A XXX Parody" (you have to read the XXX as "triple X" rather than "ecks ecks ecks" to make that A work) is that the sex scenes are really good, which means the movie's priorities are in order.

But do parody producers think the audience deserves the tension involved in a series of unfavorable comparisons with the source material just for the releasing capabilities of a Kristina Rose and Ashlynn Brooke in sex scenes that could have been in any other movie?

I guess so, because I really wanted the sex scenes to be good, and the tit pops and cum shots were more important to me than the punchlines and rim shots.

You're out of the cellar for this round, New Sensations; just don't remake "Maude."

Kristina Rose and James Deen
"Seinfeld: A XXX Parody" (seinfeldxxx.com)
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Steve Pomerantz
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Eric John
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Kristina Rose
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Eric John, Steve Pomerantz, Kristina Rose, and James Deen
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James Deen
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J. Walker
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Natalie Norton
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Evan Stone
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London Keys
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Kristina Rose and London Keys
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Ashlynn Brooke
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Ashlynn Brooke and Evan Stone
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Sadie West
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Sasha Grey
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Sadie West, Sasha Grey, and Eric John
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Cassandra Calogera
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James Deen
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Cassandra Calogera and James Deen
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Natalie Norton and Tony DeSergio
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