Ancient Swedish And French Porn From The Empire State

Just as the world is fascinated with America, what with our Arby's, Don Cheadle, and Totoro, so are we enraptured by the rest of the world. Today we look at the classic pornos "French Schoolgirls" and "Swedish Sorority Girls."

You should know that no Swedes or French were fucked in the making of these films.

Since it is illegal to film most actual schoolgirls (unless they're on the five-year plan), we already know that Porn provides an extended adolescence for 24-year-olds to jump into pigtails and schoolgirl drag. Sadly, that prospect is moot in "French Schoolgirls," a badly shot and poorly edited compilation from long before its 1980 release credit, in which no French is spoken and no schoolgirl is deflowered.

But it's especially interesting to watch classic porn; perhaps because not only are these women currently older than us, but they also just look older on film.

It's also fun to watch classic porn because of the widely varying standards. While we have plenty of filmmakers today who consider their work Art, the condition was rampant in the so-called Golden Age. Hence why two Brooklyn-accented women discussing their sexual fantasies on a waterbed whilst smoking cigarettes and generally appearing to be in their late 20's are somehow the basis for calling this film "French Schoolgirls."

To reiterate: aside from the scratchy pop music in the background, nothing about this film (shot in New York City) is French.

It's a pretty bad film by any standard, but shots of the New York subway and John Holmes in his prime (the film credits him as John "Wadd" Holmes - can you imagine watching "Black Snake Moan" with Christina "The Ice Storm" Ricci?) are compelling. Oh, and one of the women appears to be fucking Freddie Mercury.

"Swedish Sorority Girls," on the other hand (starring Colleen Anderson, Karen Havens, Roger Caine, Paula Morton, David Christopher, Samantha Fox [yes, that Samantha Fox], Vee Summers, Clea Carson, and Joey Silvera [as Joey Civera, for some reason]) at least makes an effort, even if it is a laughable one.

For one thing, it has snow. For another, all the Americans say "ja" a lot and call each other by Ingrid or Sven. When Ingrid's American cousin flies into what appears to be a snow-covered Albany airport, the Ikeaporn begins.

Like "French Schoolgirls," however, no pretense is made in this film to justify the sorority of the title.

Though both films were released in 1980 ("French Schoolgirls" appears much older), it is clear that, even then, producers were aware that they could pretty much get away with anything as long as nudity was involved.

And that is true even to this day. Sometimes I show a little nipple when I don't have enough cash for the tip at TGI Friday's.

But at least "Swedish Sorority Girls," with its snowball fights, gratuitous "Ja"s, and a blonde, tries.

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