Returning to the Womb: “Teen Mother Fuckers”

February 24, 2010
LANK

It's all very normal. A curious teen looks to a wise elder to help her make sense of her burgeoning womanhood. They fuck, and the rich and poignant female tapestry is laid out for a new generation.

Sometimes we fail to remember that porn movies don't film themselves.

"Teen Mother Fuckers" makes porn look really difficult. And for this reason the cash-strapped business should be grateful, because it labors under the false impression that porn is easy.

For example, someone else might have thought to include a reference to motherhood to justify the title. As it is, we are sometimes unsure who is supposed to be the teen in these five uneven scenes and who is supposed to be the older woman. In one scene, the partners look about five years apart.

Director Zander chose the weakest scene to begin the movie.

If there were any real chemistry between cover models Ashlyn Rae and Victoria Valentina, all those silences would seem fraught with meaning. Instead, they just feel uncomfortable.

And this is a blessing in disguise, else we might forget that porn actually needs to be directed in order to be good.

In several scenes between beautiful women, we watch as fabulous pornic opportunities are squandered as the camera is jerked around, loses focus, stays on one shot too long, or captures improvised dialogue that is tortuous even by porn standards.

I almost shut off the movie after the first scene, but then watched as Francesca Le gave a very inappropriate gynecological exam to Skyla Paige. It was great fun because the assured and predatory Le directed herself into and atop the quivering Paige.

"That woman is a star!" I cried, stabbing the air with my cigar, the projector flickering behind me.

Another scene, with the arch and frank Shayla LaVeaux schooling detention charge Ally Kay, was also seemingly self-directed.

As there is no directors' guild or mentoring program in porn, we can only wonder what a Stagliano, Gazzman, or Jules Jordan would have done with this movie. As it is, we are grateful to Francesca Le, as always.

· Vouyer Media (vouyermedia.com)
· Buy "Teen Mother Fuckers" (gamelink.com)