It “Ain’t Intervention” If You Replace Addiction With Dick

March 7, 2010
OTTIMO-MASSIMO

No one ever gets to the actual intervention before their problems are solved. Why? Obviously you can't get your dick sucked with the whole family around.

This Ain't Intervention XXX

Studio: Hustler Video
Director: Slain Wayne
Cast: Britney Amber, Kagney Linn Karter, Raylene, Cody Love, Briana Blair, Amy Brooke, Seth Gamble, Arnold Schwarzenpecker, Jerry, Joey Brass, Brett Rockman

When you first heard about a porn parody of A&E's Intervention series, what came to mind? Did you envision sex addicts? Naughty rehabilitation techniques? Whatever you thought of is probably more interesting than what Hustler and Slain Wayne dreamed up.

Only one (two-part) vignette deals with any sex-related issue, and it's really only about Seth Gamble's chronic masturbation. Gamble is the perfect guy for this; he looks like the bad boy from every mid 1990s sitcom ever. His mother, Raylene, is tired of his masturbation getting in the way of family life, and he gets her assistants to sit with them for the intervention. However, the intervention never happens.

Downstairs, Cody Love tries to get Raylene to relax with a back rub. One thing leads to the next, and they start scissoring. Sadly, the gritty Intervention-style camera displays weak resolution, and the delicate intricacies of labial smooshing are lost to the viewer. Meanwhile, Gamble is in his room with another one of Raylene's aides, Briana Blair. Blair tells Gamble he has a "huge problem," but Gamble only heard "huge cock" so he unzips his fly. Gamble fucks her with strange intimacy, often clutching her body to his, before he crudely busts on her face. He's cured! Except now Blair is stuck with him.

True to its name, "This Ain't Intervention XXX" has few intervention scenes. Brett Rockman and Amy Brooke were waiting for the family to show up and talk about Brooke's gambling addiction, but a friendly game of poker became strip poker, became blowjob poker, and finally became threesome-with-sloppy-facefucking-and-anal poker when Joey Brass walked in. It's simultaneously the most daring and the most boring scene in the film, as Brooke's monotone moans color her fucking the same drab beige as the hotel room. At least her gambling addiction gets cured.

The star-studded vignette about hoarding features Britney Amber as a pack rat, Kagney Linn Karter as her friend, and Jerry as some French professor who hangs out with them. They actually (briefly) have an intervention, but Karter gets frustrated and storms off followed by Jerry. Like any good, sensitive intellectual would, Jerry goes straight to eating Karter's pussy, and then flips the script with an intense bit of throatfucking that leaves her forehead covered in spit. Karter is, as always, a joy to watch, and the oral creampie at the end makes for a refreshing bit of fappable novelty in an otherwise redundant film.

Britney Amber tries to steal a tripod from the cameraman, Arnold Schwarzenpecker, and then offers to trade him a blowjob for the equipment. It's a creative excuse to have a bit of POV sucking, but Schwarzenpecker drops the camera within minutes. There's nothing else remarkable about the scene, except the strange sense that Britney Amber looks like every other girl in this film.

It's true, every girl in "This Ain't Intervention XXX" (with the exception of Raylene) has blonde hair with dark brown roots and squeaks when fucked. We're not demanding diverse casts for every porn, but this movie greatly suffered from redundancy and lack of creativity.

A good parody considers the themes and overarching structures of its subject, and pays attention to the critical pieces of the show. For example, if you're going to poke fun at Intervention, you might want to have a few interventions in your movie. Even if you don't, you can link your fuckfest to the original show by including the counselors, the black title cards, or the joyous post-rehab reunions. Something! Anything! Please, Hustler, we need a parody fix and this was just a nasty tease.

· Buy "This Ain't Intervention XXX" (gamelink.com)