“British Newbies” Still Lay It Down Like Seasoned Tarts

Other than a certain pastiness, none of these women reads as British, nor do any of them - Poppy Morgan? - seem all that new. But blow someone like that, Jamie, and it doesn't matter what your passport says.

So the fact that "British Newbies" both appears several years old and also features no shots of unfurled Union Jacks, imps screeching "How's your father?", fishwives, or warm beer shouldn't stoke your consumer outrage to the point that you don't check it out; just think of these women as American porn stars who live in Sylmar rather than Canoga Park. It's exotic in Sylmar.

Even more than the woman who looks like Stoya and the dude who looks like one of the Spiders from Mars, my favorite part of "British Newbies" features the aforementioned Jamie, who handles a just-emptied schlong so gracefully, tactfully, and utterly non-Newbieishly that I want to buy her dinner. The woman who can perform that service at such a tender moment must get marriage proposals daily.

So don't fret that you won't hear the Queen's English from an actual newbie; remember that they didn't invent the English Muffin, either.

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