Marital Aid Test Kitchen: The Cyclone

It took twenty minutes to open the Cyclone's battery compartment. I'm embarrassed enough to be a modern, independent woman who asks her boyfriend to open jars for her. I don't want him to have to open my sex toys, too.

At seven inches, the Cyclone is a pretty great size. It's not frighteningly large, nor disappointingly small. As part of Cal Exotics' Couture Collection, it's made of medical grade pink Japanese silicone, with ridging that makes it look (to me) vaguely like a real-life cock. Aesthetically, this is an appealing toy, in a classic, I'm-not-hiding-that-I-own-a-vibrator way.

The Cyclone is operated by a single, light-up button on the base of the toy, which offers seven different kinds of vibration, pulsation, and escalation. I like the single button, but going through the various functions is tiresome. I feel a little like Goldilocks: this one's too strong, this one not strong enough, this pulsation is too infrequent. I just want one to be just right! And of course, the common problem with all single-button toys that have multiple functions—-what happens when you find what you want, and you accidently lose it in the midst of stimulation?

As a classic vibrating fake cock, the Cyclone definitely meets visual standards. But between the chastity belt of a battery compartment and the convenient but time-consuming single-button control, I found myself a little underwhelmed by this product. And really, all I want is to be overwhelmed, sensation-wise.

· Buy the Cyclone (amazon.com)