We Call Parody Brutality On “This Ain’t Cops XXX”

On the way to bone Phoenix Marie and cuckold her husband, Officer Evan Stone defends his reckless speeding: "I'm a police officer, and uh, I'll be absolved of all the crimes and stuff." Real talk, Officer Stone.

This Ain't Cops XXX

Studio: Hustler
Director: Axel Braun
Cast: Jayden James, Phoenix Marie, Bobbi Starr, Reena Sky, Alexis Grace, Brooke Banner, Evan Stone, Mr. Pete, Jack Lawrence, Dale DaBone

Despite the early flux of Patriot Act jokes, "This Ain't Cops XXX" doesn't take advantage of all the big brother paranoia fantasies that it could. Only Evan Stone is able to wield a power trip as thick as his cock, talking about terrorism and tazers, keeping his gun out while Phoenix Marie fits his entire fleshy baton down her throat. As Evan buries his tongue inside her pussy, Phoenix asks, "Shouldn't you use a glove or something?" He comes up for air, saying, "You might have drugs up here."

Evan is often the best part of whatever movie he's in—and this is no exception—but Phoenix deserves a great deal of credit. Her deepthroating skills are second to none; she takes the long arm of Evan's law deeper and longer than many would think humanly possible, and she doesn't even gag.

In one scene, Officer Jayden James has to go break up a movie being filmed without a permit. However, she has some trouble getting her way when the film's director, Axel Braun, mistakes her for a pornstar and has Mr. Pete strip her down on camera. Jayden's tits were made for fucking: with a bit of spit and an arched back, her breasts become a Penis Fly Trap that no man can resist.

Besides those two scenes, "This Ain't Cops" is a lackluster parody. It seems like all the ingredients for good porn were there, but something went wrong. When Reena Sky and Alexis Grace assault Alec Knight, they suck their way out of being arrested. Alec drops his gun belt and pants with great enthusiasm, but then the three of them become stoic as the girls slobber on his nightstick. The same problem comes up when Jack Lawrence cuts in on a prostitute (Brooke Banner) pleasing her client. They have subdued, breathy, reverse cowgirl sex on a couch, and few words pass between them. Bobbi Starr makes a hot cop, but her scene with Dale DaBone is just boring. How do you make Bobbi Starr boring? We didn't know it was possible.

"This Ain't Cops XXX" occupies the same happy medium of mediocrity that most parody porn enjoys. It lacks the blurry-faced grit of the original show, and it barely tries to make up for that loss with "Reno 911" style humor and simple, dark, above-the-law, Dead Kennedys-esque power dynamics. But hey, at least they nailed the theme song!

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Buy "This Ain't Cops XXX" (gamelink.com)
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Buy "This Ain't Cops XXX" (gamelink.com)
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Buy "This Ain't Cops XXX" (gamelink.com)
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Buy "This Ain't Cops XXX" (gamelink.com)
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Buy "This Ain't Cops XXX" (gamelink.com)
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Buy "This Ain't Cops XXX" (gamelink.com)
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Buy "This Ain't Cops XXX" (gamelink.com)
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Buy "This Ain't Cops XXX" (gamelink.com)
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy "This Ain't Cops XXX" (gamelink.com)