Porn For Straight Girls: If I Were A Boy

It's a new year, so obviously I'm thinking about all the crazy shit that happened in the old one. Like Sarah Palin. And Carrie Prejean. Who? Yeah, I can't quite remember either. But Hustler thought her famous enough to fuck!

Sometimes when I'm searching through my porn library, looking for something to recommend to Straight Girls, I'm thinking, "Hot boys, natural bodies, lots of female orgasms." But other times I'm more, "Let's talk about something funny as fuck." (Not that fucking is funny. That's serious business, peeps.) Because honestly? I watch porn to get off, but I also need a little lighthearted entertainment occasionally. And that's where "You're Nailin' Palin" comes in. (Ba-dum-ksssh.)

This is not the first "Nailin' Palin" film. There's a whole plethora of options for nailin' Palin, In Hollywood. In gay porn. Etc., etc. But this one, in my opinion, is the best. First, it's subtitled "Interactive Adventures of a Hockey MILF." Second, it's interactive. As in, you-the-viewer are represented by the penises of Jay Lassiter and Chris Charming, so you-the-straight-girl-viewer can pretend you are actually a guy fucking Sarah Palin. And you get to control what happens next in the film. Like a Choose Your Own Adventure novel! It's so exciting!

Third, it's hilariously dated-from-a-minute-ago. Really, go back and watch this just to chuckle at the "YOU ARE NOT A MAVERICK!" that explodes onscreen in giant red letters if you try to prevent the at-the-time Governor from taking her clothes off. Lisa Ann, she of the enormous fake breasts and remarkably accurate coiffure, continues to play Palin in porn for a reason: she's really just fantastic at it. Funny, enthusiastic, and super raunchy.

Plus, Alexis Texas' appearance as (former?) Miss California Carrie Prejean is pretty priceless. It's unclear why she's there (in the BTS footage, even Alexis admits she doesn't know why), but having lesbian sex to experiment on the "evils of homosexuality"? Basically the best reason for parody porn sex ever. And Alexis manages to keep her tiara and sash on the whole time. The girl deserves a round of applause, and possibly a genuine tiara.

If you're the kind of straight girl who actually likes more conventional porn sex, with all its flaws and falsity (as I occasionally am), then this is a great film for you. The sex is, in true Hustler form, rough, hard, and wildly varied. And you can choose which sex acts you want to see, in case something like cowgirl-style anal icks you out, or you just want to see cowgirl anal over and over and over again! I enjoy the novelty of the POV style, because sometimes I want to watch female performers in straight films, sans male performers; sort of the reverse of Straight Guys For Gay Eyes. And I feel like this is the closest I'll ever get to knowing what it's like for a boy to watch porn, which is also novel and amusing to me.

Even if you're not that into conventional porn sex, this film is really, really fun. Lisa Ann is so enjoyable to watch, and even if her plastic surgery would freak you out normally, it seems to be more appropriate for this role than any other. This is the kind of movie I would pick to watch with a partner, not necessarily to set the mood or play in the background, but actually to watch and laugh at. And don't worry. You're laughing with them, because they're definitely laughing at themselves.

· Image courtesy of Hustler Video (hustlervideo.com)
· Buy "You're Nailin' Palin" (store.fleshbot.com)

Previously: Porn For Straight Girls Archive