Romancing The Tiny, Legless, Jellied Sasha Grey

Fresh from Digital Playground's "Pirates" novelty line, it's Sasha Grey's Pirate Booty Stroker! It's a big clump of lady-shaped gelatin with no legs and two insanely tiny holes. Normally that wouldn't be arousing, but come on, it's Sasha freakin' Grey.

Or is it? Sasha Grey's Pirate Booty Stroker vaguely looks like Maria, Sasha's character from "Pirates II: Stagnetti's Revenge," but only in small costuming details. The boobs look like they belong to Jesse Jane's Pirate Booty Stroker, and the face doesn't resemble anyone I know. If anything, the Stroker looks like a fuckable figurehead stolen off the prow of a tiny ship made from Hello Kitty-colored marshmallow fluff.

The Pirate Booty Stroker isn't a bad product, really, it just takes some getting used to. Some toys require the suspension of disbelief to work properly with your fantasies. This toy, however, requires you to completely turn off your brain while your hands go about lubricating the sleeve, working your fingers into the rice grain-sized vagina just so you can stretch it over and around your penis. Having a good sense of humor helps. The point is: getting intimate with this fleshy bowling pin is a Herculean task. But hey, it feels pretty good once you're in!

I soon learned that looking at the Pirate Booty Stroker is always a mistake. While slowly warming up for the wank—getting balls deep the jelly—I discovered that I was aimed the wrong way in Sasha's body, as my cock had grown into her back and was rearing up out of her spine like a second, larger, featureless head. "Oh, good, it stretches," I said to myself, nauseous with the fear that Sasha Grey's Pirate Booty Stroker might have voodoo doll-like powers.

I rotated and pitched the sleeve so my penis would travel the length of the ribbed tunnel—this felt nice, especially when I poured extra lube down the throat! Then the head of my cock unhinged Sasha's mandible and popped out of her gaping maw. That pinprick of a mouth on Sasha's cute pink face became a Scream mask; she was a victim of Samara's cursed videotape; she was auditioning for a role in "Dragonball Z."

At this point, I decided to turn the thing around and try out Sasha's mouth. You'll burn a few calories trying to fit anything larger than a Sharpie in there, but it's worth it. The small hole tightly grips the base of your cock, her face is mostly out of sight, and it feels fiendishly good to push through the stroker and out the bottom. Sasha's spankably plump bottom perfectly cups and caresses under the head of the penis, and combined with the vicious tightness and the ribbing, it's like nothing else.

Sasha Grey's Pirate Booty Stroker is somewhat too trippy for my tastes to inspire a purchase, especially at $25 a pop. However, I could see why one might buy this thing. The concept is simple, it provides a nice break from the plastic girth of a Fleshlight, and it's a durable, easy-to-clean masturbation sleeve. If you feel like spending some cash to have a itty bitty butt rub against your frenulum, by all means, go for it. If you're buying this because you want to have sex with a miniature Sasha Grey, you're out of luck (but you should send us your sexual fantasies about that because that is freaky).

· Digital Playground (digitalplayground.com)
· Oddly enough, we don't know where you can purchase this fine product, but we'll let you know as soon as we find out!