“The Facts Of Life”: Going Upstate (And Downtown) On Tootie’s Booty

March 23, 2011
GRAM-PONANTE

My intense pornographic vision is vividly realized in DreamZone Entertainment's "The Facts of Life: A Porn Parody." Perhaps you will think me too close to the project to objectively review it, but I can assure you that its easy to be detached when you're orbiting the Earth in a satellite purchased with your porn director earnings.

The Facts of Life: A Porn Parody

Studio: DreamZone
Director: Me
Starring: Raylene, Kristina Rose, Kodi Gamble, Bobbi Brixton, Coffee Brown, Ashli Orion, Lee Bang, Ryan McLane, Rocco Reed, Anthony Rosano

As sentient machines pick through the rubble of our civilization on May 22, perhaps they will happen upon my "Facts of Life: A Porn Parody," interpret it with their quivering laserized digits dripping with hydraulic fluid, and shed a single tear at Kodi Gamble's ripe nipples.

"Truly," one will say to the other as the Earth is pulverized and its emulsions collected, "there were some things worth saving."

"The Facts of Life" was the first porn movie I wrote and directed. Yet it wasn't even the first porn parody of the 80's sitcom that made Mindy Cohn a household name. But, God Damn It, it is a weird movie.

Natalie (Kristina Rose, who does not resemble the source character even slightly) feels that her sheltered life at Yeastland Junior College is unworthy of an appearance in the Compendium of Post-Pubescent Literature, even though Tootie (the intriguing Coffee Brown) longs to share her burgeoning womanhood.

Meanwhile rich Blair (Kodi Gamble) and inexplicably Australian Jo (Bobbi Brixton) sublimate their want of each other with rough-hewn local boys (Rocco Reed and Anthony Rosano) as Mrs. Garrett demonstrates her mastery of skills she first learned as a younger woman (Ashli Orion).

"And even though I was clearly squeezing my tits together," Blair recalls of an incident from her rich inner life, "he shot it in my eye. That's why some people will always be poor."

Produced by Lee Roy Myers and shot by the same crew that brings you most of Myers' best work, "Facts of Life" looks like a combination of the original show and, I don't know, the set of Myers' "Simpsons" parody. There is a laugh track* that has appeared in the finished product that, though it could be argued that the original show had one, distracts. And there is something almost cruel about the way these attractive people were forced to chew on such cumbersome dialogue.

But once these performers wrap their hands or lips around each other, everything looks effortless.

I learned a lot about how to make a porn movie with this movie (as you can read in exhaustive, glorious, and turgidifying detail here), but I can honestly say there is something going on in this movie unlike anything you will ever see in a porn movie, and it isn't just Ashli Orion wiping come off herself with a penguin.

With a wistful theme song by Fogelfoot, striking performances by the entire cast, and the only reference in a porn movie-ever-to El Debarge, "The Facts of Life: A Porn Parody" could only have been better if I could have included a reference to Geri Jewell.

*Another curious addition to the movie is the boxcover copy:

When the girls of Yeasthood Academy junior college head to class, the school bell rings in their sexual awakenings. But when Natalie, the dorm's straight-A virgin feels like she's the only girl not getting her young holes stretched, her horny best friends teach her some valuable lessons in getting some loving.

Blonde and beautiful, Blair, demonstrates the rich bitch technique for getting cock! Sexy tomboy, Jo, reversals that some boys like it rough. Naive and naughty Tootie, drops her skimpy school uniform and shows her booty.

Finally, busty redheaded house mother, Mrs. Garnnett. teaches Natalie the best lesson of them all "Girls, girls girls" can always get their pussies wet in an all girl school!

I don't know who wrote that, but I like to think it's some 72-year-old former copywriter for Jizz World.

· DreamZone Entertainment (dreamzoneent.com)
· A Porn Valley Odyssey: Making "The Facts of Life XXX" (gramponante.com)
· Buy "The Facts of Life: A Porn Parody" (tlavideo.com)