Shakespeare Deserves A Good Smutting-Up

Lee Roy Myers and DreamZone Entertainment just announced that they're casting for an upcoming "Romeo and Juliet" parody, and we think that's phenomenal. But why stop there? Here are some of our ideas for quick, easy ways to make Shakespeare's works more obviously pornographic.

There are a couple great things about using Shakespeare's plays as source material for porn. For one, everyone who's ever had a "cool" English teacher will tell you that every other line of Shakespeare's stuff is loaded with innuendo, and you can't read the word "sin" without some drama nerd snickering at you because you just said "butt sex."

Second, all of his stuff is public domain! That means you don't have to change modify the plot or characters, and you don't have to title your adaptation "This Ain't Richard II XXX." You can take the story, run with it, sprinkle some bodice ripping and explicit sex between the double entendres, and call it a movie.

Yes, you do run the risk that even double anal gangbangs won't be dirtier than Shakespeare's words and may even cheapen the literary blows, but that's why we're here to find the smoothest ways to pornify the Bard. Why change brilliance? We'll try not to. And we'll try not to make any "Coriolanus" jokes either.

Much Ado About Nothing
The title alone is absolutely filthy. "Nothing" means vagina, and "about" can be broken down into "a bout" meaning "a bout of sex." We have yet to find a porn film called "This Is About A Sex Act Involving A Vagina" but when we do, you'll bet there'll be a post about it here.

Anyhow, given that "Nothing" is most certainly something, it should be quite simple to slip a sex scene or five in here. How about the part when Don Pedro and Claudio think they overhear Hero with Borachio? Sure, it's really Margaret being courted by Borachio, but maybe she'd be down to be called Hero mid-coitus. (Who doesn't want to be called hero in bed?)

Othello
We never said these would all be light-hearted Elizabethan pornos! In fact, even though this play has a good deal of sexual tension, prostitutes, and possible threesome material at the ready, we know that the most exciting scene would be one in which Othello smothers Desdemona mid-coitus. You could even adapt Desdemona's handkerchief for use as a bondage device, if you were so inclined to be that sadistic.

And while you're at it, please do throw in some other sex scenes. Cassio can get busy with Bianca, Emilia can have unsatisfying sex with Iago, and maybe Iago can even imagine himself in an interracial threesome with Desdemona and Othello. We know that would disrupt the play, but we're dying to see this love triangle turn into a wobbly H.

A Midsummer Night's Dream
Some critics have thought of this play as a showcasing a world in which sexual orientation has taken a holiday and everyone is down for whatever. We can definitely work with this. The easiest part to pornify would have to be when Titania (whose name simply screams for a MILF to play her) falls in love with the ass-headed Nick Bottom and has sex with him in the middle of the woods. Please don't mistake this for bestiality: Titania is Queen of the Fairies and Nick Bottom only looks like a donkey.

If that's not enough (of course it isn't), the play within the play will work nicely. "Pyramus and Thisbe" has great lines like, "My cherry lips have often kiss'd thy stones" and "O kiss me through the hole of this vile wall!" You know what Shakespeare's been missing? Glory holes.

Hamlet
Back to the tragedies we go. Since so much of this play focuses on sanity, we're looking forward to some rough, fast, lizard-brained fucking from the characters. Hamlet and Ophelia: we're looking at you.

In Act II, Ophelia complains to her father that Hamlet was in her room, "with his doublet all unbraced; no hat upon his head; his stockings foul'd, ungarter'd, and down-gyved to his ancle," staring at her for no reason. We're envisioning Hamlet having a wank as he watches Ophelia undress, only to be discovered and ravished by the mad exhibitionist.

Not taboo enough for you? Let's look at Act III, Scene 4, in which Polonius spies on Hamlet and Gertrude:

Queen Gertrude:
Have you forgot me?

Hamlet:
No, by the rood, not so:
You are the queen, your husband's brother's wife;
And—would it were not so!—you are my mother.

"Would it were not so," eh? Perhaps Polonius is stabbed for discovering the depths of their Oedipal relationship?

· DreamZone Entertainment (dreamzoneent.com)