“This Ain’t Fox News XXX” Ain’t As Sleazy As The Real Thing

Combining cable news and hardcore pornography? That right there is what you'd call a mixed menace. Unfortunately, "This Ain't Fox News XXX" is less than the sum of its parts, and we end up with weak porn about surprisingly un-evil personalities.

This Ain't Fox News XXX

Studio: Hustler
Director: Stuart Canterbury
Cast: Darryl Hanah, Nicole Aniston, Sea J Raw, Randy Moore, Loni Evans, Herschel Savage, Alec Knight, Eric John, Tom Byron

Fox News doesn't have many famous female anchors and contributors, but they definitely have enough ladies around to make creating random characters unnecessary. Sadly, three of the five females pornstars in "This Ain't Fox News" play miscellaneous ladies; the two recognizable characters are Greta Van Susteren and, naturally, Ann Coulter. What's the deal, Hustler? You don't think Megyn Kelly is good enough? We think she's a babe. Heck, your company turned Sarah Palin into a pornographic franchise; you could have easily slipped her in. You also could've pulled celebrities, notorious businessmen, and anchors from rival news stations, but now we're focusing too much on what could be and not what is.

Randy Moore might be slightly too fresh-faced to play Greta Van Susteren (no disrespect, Ms. Van Susteren, wherever you are), but she does it anyway. Unfortunately, all she has is a masturbation scene. We know we should give this the time and analysis it deserves, but the safe self-love of this scene isn't really in step with the ubiquity of power hunger that the rest of the movie has. Also, it's long and boring.

With her long, tall, blondeness and prominent throat musculature, Darryl Hannah can certainly pull off the Ann Coulter look (no disrespect, Darryl Hannah). However, Hannah can't capture Coulter's rhythm at all. The lines fall completely flat and no amount of neck flexing will make up for the complete lack of seething in Hannah's performance. Perhaps the issue is that Coulter isn't facing an adversary in this scene; she's being interviewed by Sean Hannity (Eric John) about how sexual deviants tend to be liberals. Then they flirt a little, strip naked, and all of a sudden the editing goes goofy. There's a jump to Greta, another jump to Bill O'Reilly, and then back to a blowjob in-progress with Coulter and Hannity.

Sure, Hannah's deepthroating is impressive, and she really seems to appreciate Eric John's long dick in her ass, but since neither of them capture their characters, the scene is an absolute snore. I don't get it, how could you make anal sex boring? How could you make anal sex with Ann fucking Coulter boring? There's a story that made the rounds on the internet a while back called "I Fucked Ann Coulter in the Ass, Hard," and it was silly, but at least it portrayed Ann with all of her vitriol.

The women aren't so skillful with the satire, but the men of "This Ain't Fox News" have their characters down pat. Alec Knight plays John Boehner in all his tanned and tearful glory. Tom Byron doesn't much look like Glenn Beck, but he definitely has his manic energy down (and a chalkboard, too). The big joke surrounding Beck in this movie is that he's literally crazy, and his dressing room is a padded cell where Loni Evans dresses and undresses him in a straitjacket. Insanity isn't something you bash people with; it's a defense. Make Glenn Beck a lizard person, or a member of a Satanic church, or even a double-agent for ACORN! Making him crazy is foghorn-level boring, and Tom Byron's presence (although always appreciated) is wasted.

The only person done right in this film is Bill O'Reilly, played by Herschel Savage. He kicks off this movie interviewing dominatrix Sea J Raw, tearing her apart for the camera, and ending the segment before she can respond. Later, he makes a visit to her dungeon and gets humiliated nine ways to Saturday. I was certain that this scene would only barely touch on the S&M vibes and then drop the whole show once Herschel's cock comes out, but Sea J keeps a firm grip on his manhood (figuratively) the entire time: she squeezes his dick (literally, and painfully too), whips and spanks him, smothers him, and most importantly, she ignores him at times. She refuses to let him breathe until she comes, then she gets bored with him and threatens to put her panties on. This would kill the pace in any other scene, but it feels amazingly appropriate here, and the frustration and hatred flows beautifully from the both of them.

So kudos to Sea J Raw and Herschel Savage! They prove that it is possible to poke fun at Fox News in a fun and fresh way at least 20% of the time.

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