What To Say When The TSA Finds Your Sex Toy Stash

June 29, 2011
OTTIMO-MASSIMO

The TSA recently mentioned that you're allowed to bring sex toys in your carry-on luggage. Even though the higher-ups say it's ok to bring "whips, chains, leashes, restraints and manacles," the agents on the ground might not get the message. Let's plan for some awkwardness, shall we?

Unless you're looking to have your things rifled through (which some of you are and we're fine with that), you can't be all jumpy about your overnight bag full of dildos because those agents are trained to notice erratic behavior. It's not that it's embarrassing to have people see your sex toys; it's embarrassing to be a TSA officer's amusing anecdote.

But even the coolest of cucumbers gets pulled out of line now and then, so everyone should be prepared to defend his or her sex toys with a few choice phrases. We're not saying you should lie to the federal government; just use them to practice the lines you're going to use when your parents next stumble upon your vibrator.

· Via AVN (business.avn.com)
Vibrators/Dildos
First off, even though they're cool with having naughty things on airplanes, the TSA forbids you from carrying anything that could be used as a club. If you have a special thing for hoagie-sized sex toys, we're sorry; the skies are not that friendly. Keep your phallic items under seven inches in length, please.

This could perhaps be a good excuse to buy yourself a special travel-sized sex toy! Get something lightweight, unassuming, or straight-up confusing. Lelo's Mia is a powerful little lipstick vibe that charges in a USB port, and we adore it so. Leave it in your laptop case and no one will bat an eye. Plus, certain Virgin America, Jet Blue, and Delta planes have USB ports right between the seats, so you can charge while you travel.

Anyhow, if you go with the old standard vibrator and some agent asks you what that buzzing noise is in your bag, do not tell them it's a back massager. That's as played-out as inviting someone up to see your etchings, and unless you work at a Brookstone, you shouldn't be talking about back massagers.

Agent: Excuse me, is there something vibrating in your bag?
You: Oh, that's just my electric pore cleanser.

[Above: one of our favorite pore cleansers, the Form 4 from JimmyJane]

Handcuffs
If you have the fuzzy cuffs, see if the fuzz will slide off the metal, ball it up, and push it to the bottom of your bag. Some fuzzy cuffs are fuzzy to the bone, and the owners of these toys should be proud that they have such an iconic item of light bondage gear, but they are immediately recognized by everyone who sees them, even from far away.

For those of you with bare (or freshly-shaved) handcuffs, you have a few options. The fun thing to do would be to say you're a Federal Air Marshal, but you'll probably get in lots of trouble. At the very least, you'll look like the kind of person who claims to be a Federal Booby Investigator, and that's worse than having everyone in the airport find your fuzzy cuffs. The best option is to keep your handcuffs somewhere with bits of jewelry and claim it's a bracelet.

Or leave the clanky metal things at home at get something new! Bondage tape (also called fetish tape, restraint tape, etc.) is lightweight, strong, non-adhesive, cheap, and available at almost any sex toy or shady DVD shop. It's essentially latex that doesn't stick to anything but itself, and it looks exactly like insulating tape.

Agent: Are you carrying bondage equipment aboard this plane?
You: What? No, I'm an electrician.

[Above: another lightweight (though somewhat more expensive) option, Lelo's Intima Silk Blindfold & Sutra Chainlink Cuffs]

Masturbation Sleeves
No one is going to believe that your Fleshlight is a flashlight, and you can't bring on of those Sex In A Can sleeves on a plane because a tallboy of beer violates the three ounces of liquid rule. Frankly, both of these things are probably big enough to be classified as cudgels, so we recommend leaving anything in a plastic case at home.

Though it may not be the most exciting toy around, Sasha Grey's Pirate Booty Stroker is a good example of a travel-friendly masturbation sleeve because it's both blobby and durable. You can squish it in the tightest corners of your bag, use it to protect breakable goods, and it'll be good to go as soon as you get the lint off of it! There's not much you can say when the TSA asks you about it though.

Agent: Sir, what is this supposed to be?
You: That's just my neck pillow.

You could also pretend to be a gummy bear-enthusiast.

[Above: here's a smarter, disposable travel option: Tenga Eggs (satistec.com)]

Cock Rings
These come in so many different shapes and styles that we sometimes don't recognize a cock ring at first glance. Still, no matter how elegant the hand-carved jade on your penile restriction device is, the phrase "cock ring" is bound to cause some giggles, so it's best to try and prevent that phrase from exiting your security technician's mouth.

Metal c-rings can be passed off as jewelry, as can the leather, strappy ones. Rings made of nitrile are a little difficult to hide, but they're usually understated enough to be ignored or mistaken for cheap Livestrong bracelets.

The real issue is trying to hide your stretchy cock ring. Like the masturbation sleeve, you could probably just stuff the little gummy thing at the bottom of your bag and hope for the best, but when it's dangling from the gloves of a TSA agent, it pretty much looks like a cock ring. Our advice: bite the bullet and wear it on your wrist as you pass through security.

Agent: Hey, what's that on your wrist?
You: Just the newest model of Silly Band by Silly Bandz.

[Above: Janine's Pleasure Ring ]

Advanced Bondage Gear
Usually, intense body-binding toys like these are labelled "novelty" and the packaging says something like "not intended for use on or around the body." However, the nifty garment seen above actually has a medical patent! The Bolero Straitjacket has all the strength of a regular straitjacket, but since the torso is exposed, the medical community decided it's the perfect item for performing heart surgery on psychiatric patients. Horrifying statement, right? Well, don't let that get you down. The medical community's interest in a nipple-exposing straitjacket means you can say this: