Marital Aid Test Kitchen: The Tit-Elation Breast Massager

Sometimes the idea of sex toys, even if the toys themselves do not fulfill expectations, is enough to motivate one to do the things that need doing. For example, a manually-controlled heavy plastic contraption that purports to massage breasts might put the consumer in mind to eschew the device and massage the breasts him- or herself.

Fully assembled, this product looks like the female reproductive system, two full ovaries leading to a compact and sturdy vagina. But the ovaries are breast cups and the vagina is a squeezie bulb designed to suck the breasts further in.

Conceived as the sexy version of when we used to suck our own lips into Coke bottles, the Tit-Elation is a great example of the fetishization of machinery for machinery's sake:it is actually easier to do with one's hands (and remember that the Massager is not a hands-free device) the thing that the Tit-Elation is supposed to do with some surprisingly difficult assembly and strenuous bulb squeezery.

In fact, the sexiest thing about this Penthouse Variations-branded marital aid begins and ends with the first direction: "Lubricate breasts thoroughly."

Oddly enough, there was no breast-lubing attachment included. Did they expect me to do it with my hands?

· See more about The Tit-Elation Breast Massager @ Topco + SpiceToy.com