“Supergirl XXX” Is Definitely The Bustiest Bird Or Plane We’ve Ever Seen

Kara Zor-El, a.k.a Supergirl, escapes the destruction of her home, travels millions of lightyears in a spaceship, and joins a slutty, jizz-drenched sorority called Pi Pi Pi because of course she does.

Supergirl XXX

Studio: Extreme Comixxx
Director: Sinister X
Cast: Alanah Rae, Sunny Lane, Andy San Dimas, India Summer, Jenna Presley, Nina Hartley, Chastity Lynn, Brandy Aniston, Leslie Sierra, Caroline Reese, Riley Richmond, Kayme Kai, Dale DaBone, Anthony Rosano, Barry Scott, Xander Corvus, Johnny Castle

After bidding her parents (Nina Hartley and Buck Fuddy) a tearful goodbye, Kara Zor-El (Alanah Rae) blasts off into space in a tiny rocket, eventually crash landing in the Golden State, not far from her cousin, Superman's house. Superman (Dale DaBone) and Lois Lane (Jenna Presley) encourage Kara to blend in by going to college. Admissions Dean India Summer lets Kara waltz right in, puts her in a room with Barbara Gordon (Sunny Lane), and the two freshmen go off to join a sorority run by the evil Natasha Luthor (Andy San Dimas). Superpowers and sexualities are explored in tandem, sinister plots are derailed, and everybody goes home happy. Sounds like one of those superhero blockbusters that came out this summer, huh?

Well, there's something different about "Supergirl XXX" (besides the fact that it contains hardcore porn). I feel that this film taught me a lot about pornography, the world, and the world of pornography. I'd like to share some of my revelations with you...

Dale DaBone was made to play Superman: He's kind of a bad actor, but I've always thought that Superman's overwhelming perfection and invulnerability make him somewhat of a stilted fool (at least in certain movies and cartoons). Even though Dale seems to slip into a William Shatner-esque rhythm at times, it suits the role. Alanah Rae is also forgiven for acting stiff and mechanical because she's an alien who has more sex in a week than some of us native Earthlings have in a lifetime. Jenna Presley, who shares a breakfast table with the Supercousins at one point, has no reason to be a bad actor, but she is.

Anyway, let's get back to Superman. I need to tell you how much I love the perfect, package-sized hole that allows Dale to stick all his junk out of his costume while the rest of the spandex clings to his body. It's hilarious. Yes, his balls look terrible against the blue of his suit, but testicles were never attractive in the first place. The point is that it's a brilliant invention; it helps Dale feel his Supermojo while fucking Jenna, and Jenna creams on his cock whenever he delivers an order in his calm Kryptonian voice.

Sinister X likes it when his ladies are extra vocal: At least I think he does. That's the only way I can make sense of all the chatter that goes on in this movie. For example, Jenna starts begging, narrating, and asking rhetorical questions as soon as Dale puts his lips to her thigh. As India Summer sucks off the nerdy, nebbish Xander Corvus, she periodically stops to tease him, constantly picking on Xander for never getting head from his girlfriend, Andy San Dimas. Even Andy goes overboard with the erotic taunts as Johnny Castle licks her pussy to a hot froth.

On a similar note, it seems like all the girls in "Supergirl XXX" are moan-tastic at all times. This is most apparent during the orgy scene in the sorority, when Andy has frat bros Anthony Rosano and Barry Scott fuck Alanah and Chastity Lynn while Brandy Aniston, Caroline Reese, Riley Richmond, Kayme Kai, and Leslie Sierra provide oral pleasure wherever it is needed. It's a damn good scene, but the backup pornstars are more or less humming with their mouths open the entire time. And they're not the only ones guilty of hyperbolic pleasure: India Summer comes so hard that her sinuses suddenly clear, and if you want your friends to think geese are migrating overhead, you can play a short clip of Andy's orgasm.

Orgies look best up close: They're the opposite of Monet paintings. When all you can see is one couple or threesome at a time, and everybody has their best body parts pointed toward the camera, group sex looks like a blast. But the minute you pull back, you can see all the confusion and vacant stares in the room, and the image of a natural, relaxed orgy vanishes. There is one exception to this idea: at one point, the camera shows Anthony Rosano with Chastity Lynn on his dick, Rylie Richman tonguing his balls, Alanah Rae about to straddle his face, and other girls circling and rubbing around him, and he looks like he absolutely loves his life. I've never seen this guy so happy! His smile infects others in the room, and suddenly the orgy feels real; the moans die down, people fall off dicks and start giggling, it's beautiful.

"Close up" doesn't just mean camera-wise, it also means thought-wise. Even though people have fun in this scene, it all begins with an intense dose of hazing, peer pressure, and non-consensual sex. Yes, it's just a movie, but I have trouble getting past rapey vibes in even the most absurd of superhero parody porns.

Powerful female characters make great porn: We already knew that, but this movie is a nice reminder that parody porn is done best when girls are in control. Alanah Rae doesn't do many heroic acts, and she generally lets other girls push and pull her around, but she takes charge when she's fucking. Sunny Lane, however, has Barbara Gordon switch from hyperactive ditz to bad bitch and back as smoothly as possible; at one point, she shoots Andy in the back and doesn't think twice about it. Sunny truly is one of the best actors in porn today.

That being said, some of the guys in "Supergirl XXX" are pretty obnoxious. The entire time I was watching India do her business to Xander's lap, I kept thinking, "Damnit, Xander. Take off your beanie. I've never watched a man have sex with a beanie on and this will not be the first time." He doesn't take it off, probably because it's a part of his image as a passive intellectual.

Supergirl doesn't mind if people die: As far as I can remember, Superman is not down with having people die around him. However, both Xander and Andy get killed during this movie, and Supergirl never even mentions it. Isn't anybody going to jail? Barbara Gordon is Gotham Police Commissioner Gordon's daughter—shouldn't she be concerned about shooting one of her classmates?

More material is not more better: "Supergirl XXX" is a two-disc set, and the second disk is nothing but hours of behind-the-scenes footage. It's refreshing to watch BTS that doesn't involve a sleazy cameraman hitting on pornstars who only want to do their makeup, but this mostly unedited footage of the film taken from two feet behind the actual camera. It's only for die-hard porn fans (read: it's boring).

Alanah Rae looks spectacular when she's standing on top of a planet: See the second picture in the gallery. Alanah looks like she belongs on a pornographic Lisa Frank folder.

Anyway, I know I may have been harsh on "Supergirl XXX" in this review, but it's because I actually love this movie and I don't know how to come to terms with it. All of the sex scenes present electric, hardcore fun, and I rarely felt the need to fast-forward through any of it. The special effects are absolutely cheesy and perfectly timed, and I laughed out loud when waves of orgasmic light shot out of Alanah's pussy and blinded every girl in the sorority. Speaking of visuals, the film quality was so good that I can confidently pick Andy San Dimas's butthole out of a line-up if need be.

Maybe the writing was overly corny at times, and maybe Andy's evil plot made no sense, but nothing is so bad that it distracts from the fun. (You know what is distracting? Alanah Rae's frightening rack. We bet her cup size is an interrobang.) "Supergirl XXX" is easily the best superhero-based parody porn I've had the pleasure of watching.

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