I Really Like The Mix Of Sex And Pain

I'm sitting in my hotel room and I am tired, but I really want to do this bit of homework he suggested: "Have a wank, and write down what you fantasise about."

I'm starting from the slightly awkward space of being tired and not especially horny. But not feeling very horny is weird because I've been creaming my pants for two days: like really creamy – girl goo galore! My pussy has been begging for some attention since the weekend, but it hasn't had any since Saturday morning, and certainly nothing like it would normally have.

My feet rub and twist together. I wonder if that is a subconscious wish for some good skin tangling.

I'm also thinking about all that pallet wrap. I absolutely LOVE the idea of immobilisation, of being really held still so that my muscles can writhe to their hearts content while he fucks me with his fingers or his cock or a toy. I think about sensuous touch contrasted with spikes of intensity, fingers gently teasing my labia and then smacking them and then teasing them again, and my pussy clenches and aches to come.

I imagine the pussy pats becoming slaps, and the slaps slowly becoming smacks, and the smacks slowly becoming whacks, more and more, until my puffed labia are tender. I imagine pain that makes me wince and cry and rage. I am helpless to do anything about it. My rage would break and lash out if it could. I take all that, and then you make me come; you syrup it with orgasm. My nostrils flare at the thought.

(I want it all, and yet there's still part of my mind that recoils and thinks what a sick fuck I am.)

Now I'm horny. It does seems to be there: drained by my tiredness but still most definitely there, waiting to be tapped and toyed with. I think it's time to play…

…and so I've come about five times. I went back to my old favourite of gay porn: there's something about watching male bodies fuck that is awesome. After my pre-wank writing and then some gay porn I came very fast. Twice.

After I'd watched a few different scenes I realised that I don't go for the ones that are just about straight-up torture; in fact I feel quite uneasy with it. Cattle prods do that to me. All that comes at me is the fear – and not the good kind. It's just naked meanness for the sake of it. When I watched that stuff it was like my arousal suddenly went still and slowly began to contract, rather than the usual growing and squirming towards oh my god I gotta come. As soon as I switched to a movie that was more about the sex (with a bit of mean stuff thrown in) I was all good and ragingly horny again.

The one that really got to me was when the sub was being held still and a cattle prod was closing in on his erect penis while he was saying "I swear I'm not lying sir. I would never lie to you sir, please sir, I SWEAR I'M NOT LYING SIR, PLEEEEEAASE." Something in me pinged in a bad way – like wanting to take the dom to task for not believing him. I know that the conversation was role play not real, but I just didn't like that interaction, perhaps because it portrayed a lack of trust. I would far rather that my dom hurts me for the sake of hurting me, and because he likes it. To be hurt as a form of punishment would make it feel bad, and worse yet would be being hurt because I had failed in some way.

My reaction was totally different when I went and watched some Sex And Submission shoots: I really liked the way they combined the pain with the sex. There was one that I loved where the dom asked her "Can you take some more?" (bastinado using a crop on the sole of her foot) and she said "Yes," and then WHACK! Oh my god ouch! But immediately afterwards he was fucking her hard.

I really like the mix of sex and pain. Maybe he has trained me like that, or maybe he has just built upon what works well for me. Watching it built that pressure in my cunt again: the dom pushing his hand into her cunt to fist her was hot; and gripping her hair to face-fuck her was hot too; and taking and using her body while whispering into her ear, yeah that was really hot!

After chatting online with him I came again. The fisting image he sent through reminded me of when he was fisting me, and it wound me up, up, up…

I like feeling naughty and bit dirty, and I like being overtly sexual. But I need to know that he enjoys me being like that. It would stop me dead if I was criticised and ridiculed for it. He would never do that – and certainly not intentionally. With him it feels safe to be raunchy as I want.

Even then I still get shy at times. There's something about being in the exhibitionist mindset within an ‘audience' environment that is easier for me to process. That role is fun to play. One to one, up close and personal is harder. But I do like the idea of that challenge too…

Republished with permission from SapioSlut. Want to see your true tale of lust on Fleshbot? Contact us. Photo via Sex and Submission.