Sexy, Enthusiastic Secretaries Will Save This Economy

You know what this country is lacking? Enthusiasm. We're perpetually sleepy and drenched in irony. If we could only take a cue from Germany and staff our offices with men and women who are dying to orally please each other, everything would be perfect.

For a while. And then we would do nothing but have sex with each other, companies would go bankrupt, and only the adult entertainment sector would be financially safe because they know how to deal with blowjobs on the job. Long story short, we're trying to figure out how to get the adult industry to fill the global power vacuum and take over the planet. Tori Black for President of Earth 2016!

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