Have A Freaky Halloween Without Leaving The House

You don't want to dress up and go out this weekend? We can respect that. And even though you're missing all the slutty costumes and drunken haunted house hook-ups, you can still find something to go bump in your night.

And we're not saying you should lie around all weekend masturbating (we're also not not saying that); there are a bunch of ways you can get in the holiday spirit, be sociable, and still not stress about getting a costume! The way we see it, you can either run down to the nearest Spirit store and spend $50 on whatever vampire outfit is still around, or you can put that money towards something that's guaranteed to encourage sexy times. (Besides, vampires are so 2009.)

So let's begin with...

[Above: Jessie Andrews via Throated (gallery2.throated.com)]

Good Ol' Fashioned Porn
Yesterday, we gave you a list of our favorite softcore scary films on Netflix, and we still think you'd dig them, but some of you want to cut straight to the hardcore chase. That's cool by us! It just so happens that our DVD store is having a sale on horror porn, and a bunch of our favorites are included in the deal. We recommend "Halloween: XXX Porn Parody," Smash Pictures's take on the classic Jamie Lee Curtis slasher, "A Wet Dream On Elm Street," a parody from the brilliant duo of Tom Byron and Lee Roy Myers, and the screamtastic "Creature Feature" starring Sunny Lane in an Elvira costume!

· Buy "Halloween: XXX Porn Parody", "A Wet Dream on Elm Street", and "Creature Feature" (store.fleshbot.com)

Literature
That is, erotic literature. Cleis Press (one of our favorite publishers) puts out a ton of erotica all year round, and they never shy away from the paranormal. Are you in the mood for the lesbian vampire stories? Try "Dark Angels" or "Daughters of Darkness." Maybe you want vampires, but you also want werewolves, aliens, ghosts, and other ghoulies; "Red Velvet and Absinthe" is for you. Is your steampunk costume too heavy and expensive to wear in public? Read "Carnal Machines" and dream of your perfect steam-powered sweetheart.

And if you're the kind of person who thinks actual paper books are passe, you're a nitwit there's a wealth of dark erotica waiting for you online. We offer you this story, "Everything But the Smell of Lillies," and an excerpt from a book of Lovecraftian sex stories called "Cthulhurotica."

· Cleis Erotica (cleispress.com)
[Above: artwork from Cthulhurotica (cthulhurotica.com)]

Erotic Hypnosis
Sometimes sexy literature loses its sexiness because you end up hearing it in your own voice. Instead of looking for erotica on tape, why not go straight for the mind-thieving freakiness of hypnosis? Hypnotic Dreams has a bunch of brain-penetrating tracks for both men and women, and they come in different levels of intensity. Some of the recordings are like romance novels that keep your attention with a firm and soothing grip, and others actually have the potential to reprogram your brain. Sounds scary, right? Happy Halloween!

No, just kidding, it's not that bad. The most dramatic thing that can happen is you'll be left with a post-hypnotic trigger that gets you instantly aroused when someone says the right phrase. Who doesn't want that? For gents, we recommend "Enthralling Rhythms," a track (that we reviewed and approved of) about a stripper who seduces you and enslaves your mind with her dancing. For the ladies, we think "Demon Seed" would be the perfect story: it's aggressive, slightly evil, and features a demon who "dissolves your will into a haze of mindless lust."

· Hypnotic Dreams (hypnoticdreams.com)

Sex Toys
Again, there's nothing wrong with lying around and masturbating all Halloween weekend. It's said that the souls of the dead are closest to the mortal world around Halloween, so if you wank it hard enough, you just might be able to summon the undead/vampire/zombie/ghost lover of your choice. Now is the perfect time to buy that Fleshlight Freak you've had your eye on, and even though we liked the Cyborg model the most, we feel like the Zombie or Vamp models are more holiday appropriate. If you don't feel like having sex with a monster vagina, there's always the Succu Dry: Fleshlight's fanged mouth in a fake beer can!

And we haven't forgotten about the ladies. How would you like to own a power, inexpensive bullet vibe that comes in its own little coffin? It's called Death by Orgasm and it lives up to its name. If the bullet vibe is too small for your tastes, there's always The Vamp, a big pale, sparkly, silicone dildo that you can chill in your freezer for that real-vampire-cock feeling.

We know we said vampires were passe, but A) they're the simplest/least gross option for monster-themed sex toys and B) the first part of the last "Twilight" film comes out on November 16th!

Oh, and for a different type for Halloween fun, check out Adam & Eve's sex toy costume contest. It's not what you think.

· Buy Death by Orgasm and The Vamp (goodvibes.com)
· Succu Dry and the line of Fleshlight Freaks (fleshlight.com)

Carve A Pumpkin!
For real! And we don't mean you should do anything naughty to the pumpkin either. The cute folks over at HotMoviesForHer had a little carving party the other day, and they even carved a picture of Dylan Ryan making out with/groping April Flores into a pumpkin. Then they stuck a zombie dildo through a hole in a pumpkin and had it watch porn on the computer, but that's neither here nor there.

Basically, we've been inspired to turn our favorite sex scenes into pumpkin carvings, and we think you should to. Grab some friends, buy some pumpkins, sit around watching porn, and make art. That way you get to be with the people you love, avoid the crowds, and when the erotic carvings start to influence your candy-drenched brain, well, things will happen. Come Monday, you'll get to tell everyone that a pumpkin got you laid. Happy Halloween!

· Inspiration via Hot Movies for Her (hotmoviesforher.com)
· And if you don't feel like making your own carvings, this exists: Pornkins (pornkins.com)