The Year in Porn Dialogue

Believe it or not, what comes out of our beloved porn stars' mouths is often more compelling than what goes in. In fact, while breasts may sag and nuts will deflate, words remain everturgid.

Next time you watch a porn movie, count how many times you hear "Fuck!" and "Shit!" during the sex scenes. One is on the nose, the other is usually on the sheets. Both are irritating.

Years before there was a Fleshbot or sex blogs, in the Anne Rice era of vampires, Yours Truly found himself poised atop someone who chose that very moment to say: "Come to me."

It made me shudder then and now.

It made it difficult to continue, but I was 19, so continue you can be god-damned sure I did.

Still, in porn as in life, we need to value what people say. That is why I've chosen a handful of lines from porn movies that illuminate a deeper truth.

"I didn't raise you that way," says dad Tommy Gunn to pugnacious daughter Jesse Jane in "Fighters."

"You didn't raise me," she spits back.

Better be careful, absentee dads; your slipshod treatment of your daughters might show up in a porn script.

On the streets of L.A., dead-eyed pimp Joe Pusher finds a Craigslist hooker in "Chicas Locas: East L.A.."

He demands to see her breasts, then says, "Jiggle them motherfuckers."

I have never heard breasts referred to in that way.

Samantha Ryan also drops some vocabulary on lunkhead boyfriend Anthony Rosano in Mike Quasar's excellent "Official Vagina Monologues Parody":

"Put your fucking stupid mouth on my mudflaps," she orders.

Nacho Vidal also loses patience in Bobbi Starr's wonderful "Shut Up And Fuck."

"Say 'Hi' with your asshole," he says, not even bracing himself against the H sound.

On the other side of the spectrum, lonelyhearts mope Brad Armstrong confides to Rocco Reed in Wicked's "Young at Heart" that "The young girls like the older guys...Especially if you have a little money."

Eliminate the "especially" and Wicked would be on the short list for a Pulitzer. But Oh well.

My favorite dialogue of 2011 comes from an hour-long scene between Julie Simone and Joe Gallant, two directors not afraid to get in touch with their feelings.

In "Submissive Slut," Simone plays a sullen slug-a-bed who smokes all of Gallant's cigarettes.

And he's had it. He demands she strip and then manhandles her, declaring contemptuously that "every woman in your family has those big fucking titties."

It's that level of familiarity that makes me trust their sexual connection.

Later, he politely requests that she not gag.

"Don't throw up!" he says. "I'll fuckin'…strangle you."

It is this delicate stacking of emotions, contradictions, and wills that makes sex so intriguing, and (some) porn so fun to listen to.