Thankfully, “Monster Gapes” Is Not A Parody Of “Monster’s Ball

Now and then it is important to take a break from all that highbrow porn we pride ourselves on promoting——movies like "Finger Lickin' Girlfriends 2," for example—and get down to the basics: The gape.

A film like "Monster Gapes" doesn't need to waste its time on set-ups, but we are treated to just how a woman came to be making a perfect, expanding O at the very bottom of herself nonetheless.

Czech pornstress Stacy Silver has never been to a masseuse before, much less a nebbishy male one wearing nothing but a t-shirt and underpants, but she dutifully strips and puts on a robe while he leaves the room.

I'll admit that I don't always give porn films their due and will sometimes—I am sharing this for the first time only for informational purposes and not in the hope that you will copy my behavior—use the fast forward button on my computer when I think the storyline is predictable.

Such was the case in this film. When I noticed the bespectacled masseuse peeking at Silver as she disrobed, I was nevertheless surprised when, after fast-forwarding for no more than a second, he was chowing down on her parts.

"Shouldn't there have at least been a pro-forma 'What are you doing?'" I wondered, and watched the sequence in real time.

Nope. Even though the pervy masseuse surreptitiously watched her getting undressed, he nevertheless wasted no time getting up in there, and she made no protest. Oh, the former Czechoslovakia.

Then it is pretty much a straight shot to the gape, that skill—like squirting and a no-hands blowjob—that is often underrated.

I myself don't like the holler-down-the-rainbarrel sight of a gaping rectum, but I appreciate the skill nonetheless. Even more, I respect the time these two people took getting there, because there is nothing romantic about whipping out the gape without at least massaging it first.

· Doghouse Digital (doghousedigital.com)
· Buy "Monster Gapes" (aebn.net)