Dear Stoya, Stop Being So Hauntingly Gorgeous

It's not funny, Stoya. We're trying to have intimate moments with the women in our lives, but all we can think about is you: finding patches of sun with your hair, pointing your gumdrop nipples at the world, arching your back so we can see the bright red tights covering your ass. And hey, that last move looks like it was taken from Faye Reagan's playbook; what's that about, Stoya?

And you, whoever you are taking these photos over at Splice Pictures, stop making our favorite pornstar look like a radiant goddess. How are we supposed to talk about her getting doubly penetrated when you make her look like she showed up on Earth riding a giant clamshell? People are going to think that touching her causes them to burst into flames--heck, we're starting to think that now--and that's bad for business.

· See the rest of the Stoya gallery at Splice Pictures (splicepictures.com)