Jizz The Season: Have A Very “Barely Legal Christmas”

Ashley Blue is transported with Christmastime joy in this clunky repackaging of "Barely Legal"s Past, where we are also treated to Penny Flame's chestnuts, calling bird Sasha Grey, and Paulina James' fa-la-la-latio skills.

Read our review of "Barely Legal Christmas" after the gap.

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Barely Legal Christmas
Studio: Hustler
Director: Jerome Tanner
Cast: Alexa Jordan, Aarielle Alexis, Nautica Thorn, Ashley Blue, Sasha Grey, Paulina James, Penny Flame

Review by Gram Ponante

The elfmaidens (Aarielle Alexis and Alex Jordan) feel that Santa is too traditional.

"Don't be gay," one says. "Girls don't want dolls, they want dongs. And boys don't want trains, they want to run trains - on girls like us."

This repackaging of five previously-released scenes with a Christmas wraparound dovetails nicely with the "Barely Legal" theme of letters to its eponymous magazine, but in this case the letters are repurposed for Santa.

Sasha Grey is deemed "naughty" for breaking and entering to what she thinks is her teacher's house in search of test answers. Instead she must deal with the homeowner and, in exchange for him not calling the police, must perform sexual acts upon his person. Personally, I think this is a nice gesture that cancels out the naughty one, but Hey, I'm a Buddhist and we don't believe in Santa.

Then we read a letter from Ashley Blue sent in the ancient days of "Barely Legal 27". She, as Santa says, is a "filthy lying whore" for duping realtors into believing she wants to rent houses when what she really wants is to use them for sex.

Penny Flame courts a security guard for backstage passes and he is the same guy who owned the house Sasha Grey broke into. That was a nice house, too; how much are security guards making?

Paulina James relates a tale of a three-way with Steven St. Croix and Marco Banderas. I found it utterly implausible. Something about mail theft.

Finally, the elves convince Santa not to cancel Christmas by the only means at their disposal.

No one will confuse this movie for an instant classic, but the individual scenes are good enough, though some voiceovers are by the performers and others are by sometime-"Barely Legal" directrix Erica Mclean. It would be better if the series chose one or the other, because it is jarring to hear 19-year-old Sasha Grey read her letter but 50-ish Mclean read another. Mclean, of course, gives the series a touch of wistful remembrance a la Jeanne Moreau in "The Lover".

Alexis and Jordan are at a disadvantage in their scene because, aside from it being tacked on, it seems to have been hastily shot "just in time for Christmas" back in September. Oh well. Jizz the season.

· Hustler (hustlerworld.com)
· Buy "Barely Legal Christmas" (gamelink.com)