Netflix Picks: Vampires With Va-Va-Voom

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We know it's the middle of May and there's no reason for us to be thinking about vampires, but frankly, we've gone too long without a good (or even an enjoyably bad) piece of bloodsucking cinema. You can't not be down with vampires: they live forever, they're super sexual, and they solve problems by biting. We can totally relate to two out of three of those qualities.

And if you're getting tired of this beautiful spring nonsense we're having, then stay inside, cuddle up with Netflix, and watch some ladies get all fangy with each other.

1. The Shiver of the Vampires: Two newlyweds go to visit some of the lady's cousins, but when they arrive, two totally normal women tell them that the cousins have died. The newlyweds decide to stay anyway. Nothing weird about that! You can probably see where this is going, so we won't spoil all the campy fun; we will announce that these two average ladies are vampires, and they do things with their boobs out, and they get the brand new bride naked for a moonlight ceremony with lots of groping and neck-chomping. Long story short: best honeymoon ever.

2. Daughters of Darkness: Another newlywed couple (it's always newlyweds getting into trouble; it's like their uncontrollable urges to finally bang each turn them into vampire candy) arrive at their hotel during the off-season so they have the place to themselves. Then, naturally, Countess Bathory shows up with a cute young "secretary" in tow, and they take an unusual interest in the couple. We expected this movie to play out way differently than it actually does: don't think you're getting a happy ending here! However, you can expect to get a fair amount of boobage from the bride and Bathory's lady-Renfield (who muses on her past as a centerfold at one strange but hot point in the film).

3. BloodRayne: The Third Reich: "BloodRayne" is our generation's "Nosferatu"; not only is this movie about monsters, it was made by a monster. (Just kidding, Uwe!) Uwe Boll gets a lot of flak for turning ridiculous video games into somehow more ridiculous movies, but you have to give the guy credit for knowing his audience. For example, the third movie in the "BloodRayne" series features a vampires, Nazis, a softcore lesbian scene, and the protagonist, Natassia Malthe, has sex in a carriage. This is exactly the kind of stuff we look for on Netflix. If you want to watch the original "BloodRayne," it's available as well (sadly, the second one isn't).

[At top: a scene from Uwe Boll's masterpiece, "BloodRayne: The Third Reich" (netflix.com)]