Nikki Hunter: When “Mother” Really Is Home

"But Grams," you plead, "these women are actresses. Surely they can inhabit the role of MILF even if they haven't given birth." Well you can settle for your painted-on milves, but I want Nikki Hunter.

Being a favorite aunt doesn't count. Being a biologically-childless hot stepmom doesn't count. And forget about trophy wives. Actual milves are the difference between good MILF movies and bad ones. Why? Because they are fecund to none.

In "Is Your Mother Home? 2," earnest composition teacher Anthony Rosano is so dedicated that he can't get a goddamn haircut. He appeals to Nikki Hunter to counsel her wayward son, who titles his projects "Hoary Host from Hell" and sets fires in class.

"He loves his father," Hunter admits, explaining that she told the boy's death-metal band musician dad that he had to make a choice between her and Satan. "And Satan, too."

Rosano says that he has no choice but to expel the boy, as he apparently teaches at a school where the composition teacher can do such a thing.

"Maybe we can work something out," Hunter asks. "I used to be the biggest groupie on the west coast. If it played guitar and had a penis, it was in my mouth."

Hunter and Rosano have been in porn long enough to know that neither are the dewy and wide-eyed performers they once were. Hunter slaps her vagina in Rosano's face and he grabs handfuls of her. I thought it was beautiful.

Still, I think her firebug kid should get expelled, MILF or no MILF.

· Zero Tolerance (zerotolerance.com)
· Buy "Is Your Mother Home? 2" (tlavideo.com)