Her Name Is Sylvia Slut, And She Lives Up To It

I once knew a man named Jimmy Fat Fatass. He changed his name to Billy Fat Fatass because his brother was also named Jimmy. What I'm saying, Sylvia Slut, is that we have agency in our lives.

Sylvia Slut and her husband break down in their Prius on a hundred-and-ten-degree day in Porn Valley. A kindly business owner invites them in to sample the AC and call AAA, and Slut is left alone on a couch.

It is not long before several dudes arrive and begin jerking off. Then Sylvia disrobes and fucks several of them, letting many come on her face.

This scene occurs in the compilation "Bang A MILF." I will state—because it's important—that at no time does Slut or anyone make reference to whether or not she has borne children.

This degrades the term MILF, because it suggests that all one need do to be treated like a MILF is to appear older than 27, when in fact 18-year-old teen moms can be milves.

You've heard this tirade before from me, but I will not stop, because I believe in Justice.

The one thing I don't dispute is that Sylvia Slut is, in fact, a Slut. I mean, she totally fucks all those guys. But I can't help but think that her name must somehow influence her actions. If, at Ellis Island, her Croatian forebears had consented to changing their ancestral "Slutje" surname to something like "Sullivan," maybe their descendant wouldn't be so goddamn promiscuous.

· Buy "Bang A MILF" (jerkoffzone.com)