The Diary Of A Teenage Model

The excerpt below is taken directly out of a journal I had when I first began modeling in New York. What you see is what you get--I didn't write any more.

My head is filled with a thousand different emotions right now. I find myself spontaneously shedding tears and sniping at people I care about. The whole thing is supposed to make me happy but right now it's just stressing me the fuck out.

It started out amazing, my trip to New York City. The first day was great. On July 18th 2008 at 10PM myself and two other girls hoping to make it in this industry got on a plane to JFK International. We arrived in the Big Apple the following morning at 5:20AM. Unfortunately we didn't get much sleep because of a very large very noisy sleeper in the seat behind us. After getting some much needed Starbucks and getting our bags, we met up with one of the other girls. Walking outside I had no idea of the new thing I was about to experience. You know people talk about New York City pizza and New York City shopping, what they really need to tell you about is New York City driving. It resembles the driving we are used to in Arizona with a few exceptions. First of all, the New York City driver is not afraid to use their horn, it seems to be a part of driving itself actually. Secondly I've noticed that although there are lines on the road they seem to be more like guidelines and are often not followed or even noticed. Another odd moment was while riding with my English-is-most-certainly-my-second-(or third-or-fifth)-language taxi driver, he seemed to think it was necessary to have a conversation with me. The tactic that works well is to smile, laugh when he laughs and nod your head in appropriate places. The last thing I noticed about New York City driving is that I saw very few if any speed limit signs. My theory on this is that the traffic is so bad, the maximum speed anyone can do is about 35MPH.

Our taxi ride was an event if there ever was one. Finally after a few missed heartbeats and some quick praying we made it to our loft in the SoHo area of New York; and with our arrival came the next little adventure in my trip.

Keep in mind it is still only 7:00AM in the morning and we are running on caffeine alone.

The woman who owned the SoHo loft was a short Asian woman who looked about 40 with long black hair and all black clothes. Her tank top showed us her very prominent farmers tan on each arm. She was all business as soon we got in and explained all of the tricks and oddities that came with her loft. I don't know what was up with that woman, but all of a sudden she asked us if we could stay at the loft for an hour as she went to church. Yes, to church. The girls and I had a good laugh about that. 2 hours later the little woman returns saying nothing and then fingerprinting us. The fingerprinting was how we got into the loft, don't worry she wasn't that much of a weirdie. We decided that since it was 9 in the morning and no one from our group would be in, that we had 2 choices. 1 was to stay at the loft and get some much needed rest or 2 we could grab another cup of coffee an head out to the city and shop our little feet off. Of course we rested… for about the 5 seconds it took to get more coffee.

We began on 5th Ave. Let me just say that until you have shopped in New York you have no idea what shopping can be. Store after store and sale after sale! My plastic began to melt a little from the heat that was caused from swiping it so much. H&M, American Apparel, and my personal heaven the Steve Madden store. I had shopping euphoria. Unfortunately all good things must come to an end. Once it got on to about 5 we had to head back to our loft to meet the 9 others and see our 2 agents. Our arms were full of bags and spoils from the day. It had been amazing and the funnest ever.

Once we got back the girls were slowly trickling in. Once everyone got there the fun began again. We were all asked to put on our swimsuits underneath out clothes. We alternated between having out polaroids taken and being tortured in runway class. Polaroids if you aren't familiar with the term are snapshots designed to show all your flaws and make you pose in the most unattractive light ever. Nah… they weren't that bad, but they weren't super great either. Now runway is a different story. The instructions themselves weren't that bad. The only thing that wasn't fun was standing in 5 inch heels for over 2 hours and being asked to look good while doing it. I guess that's what I'll have to do anyway but still, it was torture to my feet. When it was over my toes were numb, and sore. We were all tired and drained. But that was nothing a good coffee and some food couldn't fix!

As soon as our second wind hit we decided that another adventure was necessary for the night. A about 10:30PM we were dressed and glammed up. But where to go? Where else better then Times Square to be whistled at and have comments thrown our way.

I never did finish telling about my trip, but how about I tell you where I'm at now. As I'm writing this I am sitting in my bed in my New York apartment. Things definitely worked out for me. During my July trip I was offered 2 contracts, one was with a new agency called Mars Models and the second was with Ikon Model Management. I went with Ikon. Just 2 very short months later on Oct. 26, 2008 I moved to New York to begin this crazy life. I couldn't even have imagined what I was getting into. The life of a model isn't glamourous. It's weird. Super busy or bored out of my mind, I never know what to expect. I've been here a month and I've been called a drag queen, told by my roommate they didn't like me because I reminded them of someone, been called too fat, too skinny, that my walk is awful and that it is "fierce!" I'm pretty sure the modeling industry is just one big contradiction. It's overwhelming is what it is. I miss my mom, and my sister and my friends and family.

Mostly I miss my mom. She's done so much for me. She is still doing so much for me. How did I get so lucky?

THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I LEAVE NEW YORK, BUT HIGHLY DOUBT I EVER WILL…

I WANT TO GO TO THE TOP OF THE TALLEST BUILDING, JUST TO SEE IF THE AIR FEELS DIFFERENT ON MY FACE.
I WANT TO GO TO THE BUSIEST PART OF THE CITY AND SCREAM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS, JUST TO SEE IF ANYONE WILL PRETEND TO NOTICE.
I WANT TO DANCE THROUGH THE CITY, AND NOT CARE WHAT ANYONE THINKS.
I WANT TO FIND SOMEONE THAT MAKES ME FEEL COMPLETE, AND FALL UTTERLY AND COMPLETELY IN LOVE. AND NOT BE AFRAID.
I WANT TO BE HAPPY WITH MY WEIGHT AND STOP WORRYING ABOUT WHAT I EAT. YEAH THIS ONE WON'T HAPPEN WHILE I'M IN THIS INDUSTRY.
I WANT TO STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM. GOD DO I JUST WANT TO NOT.
I WANT TO MAKE FRIENDS WITH A HOMELESS PERSON
I WANT TO FIND A BEST FRIEND HERE.
I WANT TO WANDER AROUND THE CITY THE WHOLE NIGHT AND JUST GET LOST IN THE LIGHTS. NO DESTINATIONS! JUST SEE WHERE FATE TAKES ME.
I WANT TO TOUCH THE STATUE OF LIBERTY.

None of that on the list ever happened. I came back to Arizona to save up to get a place out there in NY and decided living was way more fun. There was so much more to New York than that, good and bad, and crazy and wonderful, but that's all I wrote. The rest is just memories I keep in my head and heart.

There, I just story vomited on you. Take it.

[This post is a part of Fleshbot's Lily LaBeau Week. Photo via Model Mayhem.]