Putting The Girl’s Guide To Depravity To Practice

How To Get Laid Without Getting Screwed -- that's the premise of The Girl's Guide To Depravity. As a freshly minted single gal navigating the now foreign 20-something meat market, as much as a "handbook" isn't really my thing, I decided to keep an open mind to the suggestions held within. And despite any initial misgivings (number one: author Heather Rutman touted as the "female Tucker Max"), I'd always fancied myself a bit depraved. And getting laid? Well, I certainly could use some of that right about now. So, I began the search for bookish tidbits that might actually benefit me in the pursuit of real, live boning.

And, though many of the "rules" venture into the realm of overkill for my taste ("If it doesn't show off your legs or tits, it's worthless"; "If he asks you to go Dutch, don't even think about showing him your Brazilian") I managed to narrow the collection down to five genuinely useful principles to keep in mind when getting mine.

The rule that initially struck my fancy is number seven: "The best way to get over a guy is to get under another guy." It seems somewhat brash, but in the wake of a breakup can feel like an undesirable/insurmountable task. I had felt zero interest in dude-pursuing, or being pursued, as it happened, even for an easy lay. But the moment I ran into an attractive friend-of-a-friend, well, those presumed-dead feelings were resurrected. And, what do you know, the lady was right. Any lingering thoughts or feelings about ex-bf were quickly supplanted with the thrill of a new piece to slam (or, slampiece, as I like to say). Rutman mentions the psychological theory of transference as playing a role in this venture, but if it works, it works! I try not to venture too far into self-analysis when seeking out the bone zone.

A related rule in pursuing this end is, "Never underestimate the power of asking for what you want." I'm often caught up in the game of playing coy or seeming too straightforward i.e. desperate, but Rutman makes a good point:

The odds of getting what you want from a man by asking are 1:1. The odds of getting what you want from a man by hoping he figures it out are 1:1,100.

With this thought in mind, when Saturday night(s) rolled around, instead of waffling over whether to reach out to said slampiece, I fired off the come-hither text. Now, here you can be as coy as you want so long as the message gets across. And, again, wouldn't you know, 9 out of 10 times I found myself the recipient of a solid boning that very night. Maybe the piece would have reached out to me, maybe not, but at least I felt that I took destiny in my own hands and was rewarded.

Thirdly, and relatedly: "Depraved girls never apologize." It's sometimes reassuring to remember there's no shame, no shame at all, in seeking what you want. I've spent far too long attempting to appease the perceived desires of others, often to my own detriment, which has resulted in much unnecessary melancholy and regret. If you act in self-interest, others may not always be happy, but at least you will be. This is an overgeneralization, yes, but at least when it comes to getting laid it's all well and good to just brazenly do you.

Fourth, and also relatedly: "Settling is for quitters." Discouragement happens. Especially following a long-term relationship one (and one's friends) may have thought would lead to that fateful comfy-cozy settling down, hanging up the hat, throwing in the towel on the debauched days of subversive singledom. One may be tempted to latch onto the next desperate sad sack looking to call it a night. If that's what one truly wants, then by all means, go for it. But there are certain souls among us (call it romantic naiveté) that just can't be fully satisfied by comfort alone. And just when I thought my sense of desire was dead, I found a spark. As insignificant as it may be in the long term, it rekindled the feeling that I have many more heels to fall head over. Which is an encouraging thought for a waning hopeless romantic -- a reminder not to get jaded just yet.

And finally (this is Fleshbot after all) I appreciated the "Don't go to sleep horny" maxim. Chances are we likely won't get to bang who, where, and when we want every time we want. Of the times that it didn't work out, so be it, there's always a vibrator close at hand (especially working at Fleshbot). And when the world has made it possible to get off well, maybe even better, than smashing parts with a partner, don't hesitate to do so. Orgasms feel great. They're enlivening and thrilling and reconnect you to yourself and your sexual nature. I think it's physically impossible to cry and come at the same time (but don't tell it to these guys), and in my opinion a masturbating girl is a happy girl.

So I suppose in general the rules that I found relatable were the ones stressing not to take myself too seriously, that it's really okay to be selfish sometimes. Getting laid is, at its core, fun. And the circumstances surrounding it should be as well. Though complications do arise from time to time, what I gathered is that the Depraved Girl takes these with a grain of salt (or a hefty spirit of revenge, whichever works best). The bottom line is being in control, having a good time, and doing what you want without getting hurt. And as silly and self-helpy as one may feel referring to a handbook, remembering to keep yourself as your main priority is, as I see it, a very good thing.

So, kudos, Heather Rutman, for attempting to get ladies back in the driver's seat. Though all those driver seats should still steer away from Tucker Max.

· The Girl's Guide To Depravity (thegirlsguidetodepravity.com)
· Buy The Girl's Guide To Depravity (amazon.com)

[Photo: Kimberly Kane, via Fuck Me In The Bathroom]