The Encyclopedia Of Smut: The Glasses And Asses Appendix

We finished going through the alphabet with our Encyclopedia of Smut, but we've been having a lot of fun waxing erotic about various aspects of the porn world, and we don't feel like stopping just because the stupid English alphabet only has twenty-six characters (if only we were a Russian site). Today, we feel like thinking out loud about babes wearing glasses in porn, but you get to decide what we write about next week!

[jwplayer id="7184987"]

Glasses Are For Geeks

There are a lot of fetishized costume pieces in the greater porn wardrobe--the nurse's hat, the contractor's tool belt, the cop's mirrored shades--but we can't think of any that comment on a woman's brains besides glasses. For example, Elegant Angel has a new movie coming out called "Nerdy Girls," and although they have April O'Neil reading a big book in the tub, Allie Haze grading papers, and Anikka Albrite playing piano, all of the pornstars have one thing in common: they're all wearing glasses.

Of course, the idea that specs = instant nerd isn't just limited to porn, but we feel that the burden of signifying intelligence (as well as studiousness and youth) in porn weighs heavily on glasses because, well, there's often not much time to communicate a character's mental powers to the viewer. "Nerdy Girls" most likely gives each girl a chance to demonstrate her unique brilliance, but that's not always the case with porn; often, you see the girl, notice the glasses, immediately understand that she's smart, and then sex happens.

So why does anyone care about the mental acuity of the person getting banged on the screen? Well, it can be a way to feel connected to them: after you're done fantasizing about banging a nerdy pornstar in doggy style, your fantasy continues with pillow talk about which "Doctor Who" series was the best and why. In this sense, admiring a girl in glasses is less of a comment on her interests and intelligence and more of a glimpse into how you view yourself.

[Above: the glasses let you know that Ash Hollywood is one of the "Badass School Girls 5"]

Four-Eyes I'd Like to Fuck

Even though spectacles often get used to show that someone is a student, and therefore youthful, they frequently show up on the faces of cougars. Mature babes like Lisa Ann and Eva Angelina often don glasses in their scenes, and though it's not necessarily done with the intent to accentuate age, we find that glasses call attention to the eyes of MILFs in unique ways. Those narrow, rectangular frames they wear--never the thick, Buddy Holly-esque frames the youth enjoy--are wide enough to point out any early crow's feet and yet short enough so we can see the sly movements of eyelids and brows. When a MILF rests her glasses on her nose and looks into the camera with her head tilted down, you know that she has you where she wants, and she's earned that power from years of experience.

Oddly, a cougar never gets called nerdy when she puts on glasses. The specs don't signify anything about her lifestyle or inner world, and instead only suggest that the eyes need a little help with reading. Then again, an older woman wearing glasses can also suggest something entirely different...

[Above: Lisa Ann is going to feed you some knowledge with her eyebrows and her fat ass in "Meat Your Teacher"]

Pince-Nez for Professionals

You know who else wears glasses? Every lady who works in an office, especially secretaries! Yes, they're part of the professional getup: you have your nice blouse, a pencil skirt, maybe a hint of sexy stockings beneath it all, and the shiny specs on top. Interestingly, age isn't a factor in this situation: it doesn't matter if the wearer is a twenty-something interning at a fashion magazine or a forty-something bossing it up at a law firm.

Instead of symbolizing brains or youth, these glasses present formality; they're part of the functional yet friendly shield that people put up in the workplace. Sometimes the removal of glasses can be a sign that someone is cutting loose, the last subtle transformation before the secretary pushes everything off her desk and hikes up her skirt, but sometimes the glasses stay on because they look absurdly sexy on people.

Oh, and sometimes glasses are there just so guys have another surface on which to facial.

So what do you want to think about next week? Let us hear what's on your mind, tell us about the niches, the costumes, and the curious facets of pornography that stick out for you, and we'll do our best to over-analyze the heck out of them!

[Above: at least Lylith LaVey is wearing glasses in "Secretary's Day 5." Some clips via AEBN Porn Pay Per View Network and Video On Demand (theater.aebn.net)]

[At top: Bobbi Starr via POV Life (galleries.teamskeet.com)]